Decade

Games of Shame

here has been occasional debate on the subject at AGMs, but, for some reason, The Gents have never awarded caps. Just as well, because judging by these disasters bells would have had to be sewn into them. What went wrong, chaps? One might have expected these performances in the Blunder Years, yet five of the ten proudly date from the generally more successful post-Thatcher era. A vintage crap performance will have the amusing added subtlety of The Gents doing something right for part of the afternoon, e.g. skittling the oppo before collapsing. Several of these displays qualify thus. Some of these games were fun, most utterly miserable, but they all have one thing in common, The Gents’ dignity chromosome was strangely absent.

                A handy-looking Gents side boasting Beggar guests Phil Hill (his Gents début) and Colin Hunter collapsed abysmally after doing all the hard work and dismissing a good batting line-up for just over the ton. The Cheetahs had put on over fifty for the first wicket when Steve Haywood broke the stand with a direct-hit from fine-leg. The Commander then ran through the rest of the batting in no time. A gutless batting response was summarised by the usually combative Bob Ashton’s dismissal for a duck and his thrusting comment on returning to the boundary...“it’s too nice to be playing cricket!”.

                A 13-a-side pantomime in which The Gents batted like village idiots. If only a few batsmen had batted to their potential like guest Stuart Harris (17, far more than he ever scored for Enterprise!) then this game could have been won, for Bob Ashton produced a fiery spell in response, castling Richard Scott first ball and Jim Arthur in the same over. Instead, Gent upon Gent had dollied up simple chance after simple chance (smart thinking with eleven outfielders), a pathetic total predictably resulting.

                At 1-1 in the inaugural Bob Ashton Memorial Trophy, West XI having levelled it up a week before on the hottest day of the century, the weather broke big time. In swirling winds and driving rain, The Gents foolishly agreed to play and then predictably self-destructed. Bodders, run out by The Commander, soon equalised with a revenge lbw. Although John Townley was fluent and defiant, The Gents tumbled to a risible total and despite some tight bowling from Ashton, Dolan and Boddington, West XI were never in the slightest trouble. Not only that, but not one of the idle bastards in The Gents team could be arsed to help clear up the tea. C@nts.

                Hopes are always high at the start of a new season and 1991 was no exception. On a sunny April afternoon, The Gents turned up expecting to beat an Enterprise side but reckoned without Mike Hughes and the awesome Aussie Stefan twins, Rob and Mike. The former, with Mr Hughes, put on 117 for the first wicket before the latter, with Delesh Jeyadevan’s subtle spinners at the other end, ran through The Gents’ batting on a rare true Gunnersbury Park wicket. The Commander was not pleased. Regular pre-season net practices would henceforth be instituted. This was to be Enterprise’s last win in the long-running series. It was achieved with a mighty strong side, but seldom has early-season Gent optimism evaporated so quickly. Still, it’s an ill-wind, etc., and Mr Hughes would be a Gent himself within two years.

                Complete pants. Skipper John Townley ran out Andy Burman after a couple of overs, Gary Moore did the same to Ian Maughan and only some good Dolan slogging got the total up to 79. In response, The Gents, inspirationally-led, bowled with guts and pride, East Harrow Cheetahs having to wait until the thirteenth over to claim a tight win. The Gents then sulked, refused a “beer” match, passed some not very flattering comments to the oppo, who never were the closest of mates, and flounced off home at 4.30. Poor Victor Richmond had travelled south to be told he was not playing, but filled in anyway as guest Nick Litton could not find the ground (a common event at this craphole location).

                Chuffed by the early dismissals of Bignell and the dangerous Irvine, The Gents’ bowling fell apart after two excellent opening spells from Ashton and Hubbocks. Clyde Seale and Charles Arthur put on 135 for the third wicket with ridiculous ease. The bowling was wayward, the fielding dismal and the captaincy gormless. Coming after three good straight wins at the start of the season, disappointment was universal within The Gents. West XI could not believe their good fortune, and will never let their rivals forget this day. The Gents have won plenty of times against their arch-rivals recently, but never, ever by this sort of margin, the highest ever against The Gents.

                Rarely for this list a really enjoyable game, The Gents batted well against some friendly bowling on a perfect batting wicket on a beautiful, warm afternoon. “Let’s wrap it up and have a beer” was the immortal half-time speech from Mr Hughes. The Gents’ attack was a pretty good one. Ashton, Toddy and the like had been bowling sides out all season but this was to be Richard Bulmer’s and Craig Maddocks’s finest hour; the highest partnership in a Gents game and one which will probably never be beaten. They went for it from Ball One and never looked in the slightest trouble. The Commander gracefully presented the match ball to Mr Bulmer after the match. At least The Gents got that right.

                Oh my word. Chris Folley and John Williams reduced the visitors to 15 for six and only some sprightly tonking from Daniel Todd and an hour’s mind-numbing defence from Andy Burman saved The Gents from posting their lowest-ever score before Charles Arthur mopped up the tail. It looked a very good Gents batting side, albeit lacking the crocked Commander, so therefore qualifies on merit for the Games of Shame. As ever, perils in the pitch real or imagined had entirely disappeared in the second innings and West XI won at a canter.

                An incredibly disappointing performance with a strong team. The Gents played in the President’s Cup final again and froze completely. Mr Ashton, crocked in Game One, had already left for home when Stuart Snelling opened with a maiden. That was about all The Gents did right as The Weasels hammered the bowling to all parts. Never have 20 overs seemed more like 40. Some good slogging by the Beggar guests in reply made the margin respectable but The Gents were simply outplayed from the first (or should that be the seventh?) ball. Defeat by a bigger margin would follow two years later but that did not somehow seem so bad.

                Thunderstorms over Merton were nothing compared to the wobblers in The Gents’ changing room afterwards as recriminations flew. Moments before, ponytailed Graham Young had struck the winning runs off the last ball of the game, posting a then-record 41 tenth wicket stand in Gents games. The Commander had told Snarler to “go easy” against the last man, which he did. Fielders slithered, Gent wicketkeeper Burvo and Captain Masher collided, enabling a winning catch to be spilled. Eleven players tried to captain simultaneously. The final overs of both innings were played out in Stygian gloom as thunder cracked and lightning crashed. By some miracle nobody was electrocuted. Curiously, The Gents lost another tense game at this venue twelve months later, this time in oppressive heat.

Games of Glory

en golden afternoons when all went right. Not huge fuck-off hammerings, but great Gents victories achieved against good sides playing hard cricket, as it should be. On days like this everything slots into place and cricket is the best game in the world. Deciding which games to exclude was the hardest part, but this selection is as good as any. There are three West XI games, two each against Weasels and London Saints and one each against Enterprise, The Angries and Virgin, but nothing from 1997. Enjoy.

                “Haywood four gives Gents margin for error” was Steve’s comment after this game. Ninth time lucky for GWLCC, prompting the thought that they should play 30-over a side games more often! That legendary first win was achieved in a stomach-knotting climax as Enterprise threatened to run away with the game. The Gents’ innings was based around a still-unbeaten fourth wicket record partnership of 111 between Ian Maughan (66 not out) and Mark Ashton (46). Some great close catching by ’keeper Maughan and slip Hubbocks and three late Masher wickets saw The Gents home in a game of consummate excitement, which will forever be remembered as poor Bob Ashton’s last. No victory will ever be more important to The Gents.

                1991 was The Gents’ first winning season thanks to two victories in a September heatwave. This was the first, a run-glut on an artificial wicket. Richard Sambrook Smith and Andy Burman have fond memories of their then-record 57 first wicket stand. Mark Ashton (93 not out) and Rich Wilman (54) later added 126 for the fifth. Jeremy Best’s magnificent ton, well supported by Jez Owen in a still-unbeaten ninth wicket record stand against The Gents of 53, was not quite enough. The game finished in pitch darkness as the autumn dusk closed in, with fielders bumping into each other, or at least that was The Commander’s excuse for dropping a dolly when Rosy West was on 98!

                The Bob Ashton Memorial Trophy was finally won in the most controversial match in The Gents’ history. A superb 78 from Nick Boddington set up a good score on a scorching day, but a last-minute young Beggar ringer called Robert, co-opted into the West XI team, together with the inevitable Charles Arthur, put West XI in an excellent position. But three catches from Rich Wilman, two out on the boundary, together with his four wickets and superlative ground fielding, inspired The Gents to a memorable victory, John Townley taking a wonderful effort running in from long-on to out Paul Christensen. West XI, who claimed Rich’s deep catches were sixes and invaded the pitch to make their point, were not pleased, but The Gents had simply taken the pressure better. “Golden Sunday” said it all really. Perhaps the turning point of the first ten years of The Gents.

                Eager to make amends from their 48 All Out Hell 36 days prior at Berrylands, Weasels posted a challenging total, inspired by Rico Flack’s first fifty. Dear Mario Sozzi’s Spell From Hell (4-0-55-0), clubbed to all parts of the compass by Mark Ashton, should have been decisive in the Gent reply but wasn’t, as Bill Flack and Derek Kirkwood bowled the last 14 overs. Wickets fell regularly after The Commander was controversially given out caught down the leg side and only some vintage Dolan hoiks saw The Gents home in a classic finish against a side who had fought back proudly. Neither side deserved to lose, but The Weasels would have plenty of wins against GWLCC to savour by the end of 1997.

                An awesome club record fifth wicket stand of 152 between Mark Ashton and Mike Hughes rescued The Gents after some lively and typically accurate Saints bowling had reduced them to 46 for four. For sheer quality, its only contender as Official Club Best Stand Ever is the Wright/Ashton affair from 1995 (see later). It was a good total and London Saints had no choice but to go for it from Ball One, which they did. They were shot down by some great catching to give a misleading final margin of victory.

                What happens when everybody in what looks like an average line-up plays to his potential. Nobody scored more than 43, but everybody got a few (apart from Richard Sambrook Smith and the poor Commander, b Hill round his legs for nought!) and a good total, and The Gents’ then-highest v. West XI, resulted, the last four wickets more than doubling the score. In the Beggar reply, some great catching and fielding, together with brave spells from the support bowlers, frustrated a gallant, exciting run chase. Rich Wilman, who scored 13 runs and took no wickets, was Man Of The Match for his fielding. He was acknowledged by Beggar Captain Phil Hill as the difference between the sides.

                The first game between these sides was awful, The Gents being left no time to go for a win in a time game and blocking a dull, if brave draw. Here, magnificent catching and fielding (Bill Murphy on his début ran out the dangerous Pollard with an Exocet of a throw from deep fine-leg) saw the combative Angries collapse from a promising position. Nick Hubbocks (56) and Dave Thornicroft (21) then posted a record second wicket stand against some hostile bowling to set up a great win. With the scores level, Daniel Todd legendarily tried for a nought not out “to boost my batting average” but accidentally carved the winning run. This was possibly the No.1 Gents performance of all time and earned The Gents the respect of their opponents. There would be several epic clashes thereafter.

                The infamous Battle of Brentford. West XI were deeply unhappy about aggressive and hostile Gents’ bowling, but still scrapped their way to a fair total, and what looked a winning one as four wickets fell for 27 runs to an illicit second new ball. Mark Ashton and Jim Wright then smashed 127 superlative runs in 20 overs to set up The Gents’ first victory here in eight attempts. In the most tragic case of mistaken identity since Arthur Fowler was accused of embezzling the Flowering Wilderness Fund in EastEnders, Mike Hughes loyally but sadly bollocked the wrong opponent, Phil Hill unjustly copping a half-time Headmaster’s wigging for some unsavoury barracking by another Beggar of Daniel Todd. More happily, this win was The Gents’ first ever at Boston Manor.

                The three games against this oppo have all been tense and exciting. Gent bowlers fought back well after a 70-plus Virgin opening stand and looked to be on their way as Hughes, Boddington and Patel scored heavily. The inevitable panic, helped by canny bowling and fielding changes from Virgin skipper Bernie, left The Gents needing seven off the last over with two wickets intact. Stevie B tonked a four before holing out. Burman and Snarler then scrambled the winning run off the final ball. By some miracle the scheduled start time of midday was respected by everybody but the Fixture Secretary, who had been moaning pompously for weeks about the club’s poor time-keeping

                Possibly Mr Snelling’s best Gents bowling, including a terrifying second spell down the hill (as wicketkeeper Mr Hughes would testify), although The Commander took twice as many wickets. The Gents love Town Park and finally got their first win there! Dhruv Patel was having a fine season and his 47, supported by Mark Ashton’s 43, set up a par total. Trevor Mayhew (nicknamed “Mayhem” after this season; he also hit a ton in the return) then played a superb front-foot innings, driving Gent bowlers all over Enfield. He copped a late, marginal front-foot lbw from brother Andy but just when tail-ender Mark Webster was thrashing his side to victory, hobbling cover Andy Burman clung on to a sharp catch off Snarler with four balls left. Participants just stood there stunned for several minutes afterwards.

©The Gentlemen of West London Cricket Club 2006