THE GENT

 

June 2004

No. 92

 

Tales from the corridor of uncertainty

 

All friends again!

 

 

Nabil and Bhav kiss and make up after Surbiton border conflict

 

INSIDE…

 

Gents 0-1 West XI – Beggars rule roost at stormy Surbiton Match reports Stumps (won by 7 wickets) West XI (Bob Ashton Memorial Cup) (lost by 6 wickets) London Saints (won by 43 runs) Six successive West XI wins Urban wipe-out gets council apology Readers’ letters – grisly Feltham executions and Essex apocrypha

 

Editor AJ Burman, Senior Vice Chair, Diversity Awareness Monitoring Group

A road less travelled

 

This edition of The Gent goes to print with a playing record of four wins and one defeat. It took until August 2003 to notch up such a number, so the improvement is tangible and so far, an administrative blip against Urban Associates aside, the season has been an enjoyable one with a good spirit and mix of personalities in the camp. HP Denton, who will be available on non-12 Angry Men days and Faraz Sherwani, who has now finished his AS Level examinations, have augmented the squad. Nabil Husain will be out for a month, however, due to work and we sadly expect to see Eddie Fitch and Chris Lewis rarely, if at all, in 2004. It would have been good to have had three Victoria RG games before the West XI match, and this was indeed the plan, but bad weather and Mr. Privett’s archaic paperwork system put paid to that. In fact, the club has played its best cricket so far away from home. The Angries win, in the absence of Snarler, was an excellent performance.

 

Meanwhile the club’s fiercest rivals and closest friends West XI are on a superb winning streak. They won the first Bob Ashton Memorial Cup match on 30 May and won it well with a blistering innings of 82* from Neepam Bhatt. Stewart Taylor certainly cut an interesting dash all day. He is the true inheritor of Charles Arthur’s mantle, being a left-hander, a bohemian and a public school loony to boot. Such people win wars, discover continents and lead cricket teams with panache, though of course Arthur has subsequently been tainted with the emergence of the facts relating to the scandals, budget deficits and human rights abuses of his tenure.

 

This was the FOURTH successive home defeat to this oppo, following losses by 10 runs, 82 runs and 43 runs. The Gents played well enough and though a margin of 6 wickets with 17 balls remaining was ultimately comprehensive there was evidence that the gap between the sides has narrowed since 2003. Stuart Snelling’s withdrawal due to his son’s illness was unfortunate, but then West XI were without skipper Chris Wright. May we express our great relief that young Joel is now on the mend.

 

Controversy came with a potentially lethal Indopak confrontation between Nabil Husain and Bhavesh Vyas in the second innings. A good, throaty appeal for lbw by Nabby was declined by umpire Burman, who heard two noises and surmised it was bat onto pad. Having said “not out” it hardly needed Bhav theatrically to tap his bat with his hand and perhaps still less needed Nabby to charge down the wicket and eyeball him, Eddie Fitch-style, after the next delivery! All the fun of the fair for Bhav then, particularly as he had spent most of The Gents’ innings appealing for lbw from all points of the compass from wide third man to deep mid-wicket. Some ambassadorial-level diplomacy then kicked it, but Nabby had already apologised.

 

Within seconds, Dhruv Patel, opening the bowling with Husain, was controversially No balled by imminent-retiree Ling for transgressing the back foot Law, which is italicised below.

 

Laws of Cricket (The 2000 Code 2nd Edition – 2003) Law 24 (No ball)

 

 

This was a new one on most of the players but was put in the memory banks by The Gents to be withdrawn and encashed at some future date, possibly at Gunnersbury Park in July. Aspiring umpires should look, listen and take heed from Andrew Burman who has set, in recent years, a new standard of objective brilliance, though in earlier years he was allegedly intimidated by his Captain into giving routine decisions of Not Out.

 

We now offer a crash course on English grammar. Sanjay’s pre-West XI e-mail said “Please be at ground for 1pm start.” Such a phrase is not ambiguous. It is an instruction, albeit polite, expressed in the jussive or imperative tense, requiring action. When Professors J. Page and R. Plant wrote “You know sometimes words have two meanings” (1) they did not have in mind phrases such as Sanjay’s. It was not a basis for negotiation or debate, it was an order, it came from the Captain and should have been unquestioningly followed. It was not.

 

1. ‘Stairway to Grammar – A Modern Lexicon,’ Crowley Press, 1971

Life in the bus lane

 

The ever-sharp Mr. Bignell posed an interesting question at Surbiton before the above. “How many nationalities are represented today?” he asked, mindful of his frequent condemnation of The Gents as the ‘Surbiton Dominions XI.’ The Gent has tackled the two clubs’ political affiliations and educational origins but, perhaps stymied by the climate of Political Correctness, never nationality. For the purpose of this exercise ethnic origin and national loyalty (the Tebbit Test, i.e. which country would the person support in a Test match) not birthplace are the determinants. The team fielded by West XI comprised six Englishmen (Bignell, Dane, Laing, Rennie, Taylor and Walton), one Sri Lankan (Ling), two Indians (Bhatt, Vyas) and two Australians (Cooper and Pryor). The Gents also comprised six Englishmen (Buck, Norcott, Gilkes, Sciberras, Toft and Wright), plus two New Zealanders (Derriman and Thompson), two Indians (the Patels) and one Pakistani (Husain). Neatly, the six Anglos per side split identically 5:1 in the key ratios of Southerner to Northerner and State School to Public School. A Cease and Desist Order has been served on Mr. Bignell.

 

Weasel Tory boy in shock rant

 

Interesting to report a brisk, no-nonsense sermon from Weasel Adam Michaels during the recent St. Anne’s/NBW game at Barnes Common. Having plonked himself in scorer Everett’s much-loved chair (a replica of which the venerable Bignell has recently purchased after his home help saw it advertised in Saga magazine) and been asked to vacate it sharpish, cultural attaché Adam gave his opinion on Geoff Boycott’s welcome return to Channel 4 cricket. It is well known that Mr. Boycott has recently been ill, happily grinding down his virus like an Australian pace attack, but he was originally let go (the correct cliché here is ‘unceremoniously axed’) by the media after a French court upheld a charge of assault against a former girlfriend.

 

 “He should never have been removed. Found guilty of a minor offence in a kangaroo court in a tinpot socialist country. Tshaw!” Adam snapped. Nor was he joking, you could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes.

 

Marshalsea Prison looms

 

The asymmetrical funding policy in place within West XI has attracted playful comment from Gent House, so in the interests of balanced journalism it is only fair to castigate our own delinquent debtors when the occasion demands. We take no pleasure in doing this, but these are men of stature and maturity who have respectively held and been proposed for senior club office. Both really ought by now to have attended to the simple matter of remitting funds for one of the attractively-priced tiered 2004 membership options. But they have not. If they do not get their money out, we intend to name and shame the West Midlands accountant and the County Durham DVD magnate. Barrister J. Lewis will act for the club.

 

Around the circuit

By Completist

 

Despite patchy weather and bowler-friendly wickets, there are already two tons to report on our circuit. Steve Cotton shot 103 in London Saints’ 237-5 in 40 overs against the reformed London Owls, who were not disgraced in losing by 103 runs. Then, a week later the God-like Tristan Haddow-Allen scored 140* for St. Anne’s Allstars in an apparently most enjoyable inaugural fixture against Sunderland SC, Allstars’ 210 securing victory by 17 runs. Then, 24 hours later, Chris Hipwell blasted 94* in a loss to St. John’s College by 38 runs. Signs of good form from the Allstars who then lost agonisingly by just 1 run on 6 June to West XI, their sixth win on the bounce. Keep it going until the afternoon of 18 July guys. Just time to mention the return of Angry Man Damon Wilson to these shores, his 50 seeing his team to victory against Weasels in the PALs League, with good supporting knocks from Bullock and Hibbert.

Mickey Mouse

Enabling Local Government through information technology

 

Players arriving at Surbiton on the hot afternoon of Sunday 16 May were met with the dismal sight of no cut pitch and intact chains around the square. A call to the groundsman confirmed first, that he had not been advised of any cricket for that day and second, that he was not going to haul his considerable bulk down to Victoria RG to remove the chains and posts and open up the pavilion as he was “going out.”

 

It all brought to mind similar incidents of Council Mousedom over the years, the most recent being the Finsbury Park horror of 2000 (Sunderland/West XI), when LB Islington’s idea of pitch preparation was to paint a few white lines over a mountain of used syringes and decomposing bodies left over from the previous month’s Fleadh festival. Sadly, a web-board rant by a senior Gent about council workers was deemed so inflammatory that Town Halls all over the UK threatened strike action unless it was withdrawn immediately and an apology published in the following Wednesday’s Guardian.

 

Cricketers are a resilient bunch, however, so hats off to Snarler who, in the style of Captain Mainwaring, promptly declared himself Officer-In-Charge (Field Operations). Search parties cheerfully departed, at no small risk to their own safety, as far as New Malden, reporting back to Central HQ (situated at the Balaclava Road gate) at regular intervals. Do our opponents fully fathom the calibre of men we have in the squad? Still, all the mobile phones and fast cars in the world will not procure you a pitch if none is to be had, and so it proved. The game was called off at 2.30pm, the tea scoffed and participants left to play Might Have Been.

 

The following exchange of mails says all there is to say on this sorry matter.

 

 

I am the Chairman of the Gentlemen of West London Cricket Club. As you are aware, for many years now we have used Victoria Recreation Ground in Surbiton as the venue for our home matches. Our Club Secretary, Andy Burman, prides himself on giving RB Kingston plenty of advance notice of the dates for our home fixtures and we have always ensured prompt payment of our pitch fees.

 

I am therefore very disappointed to have to write to you about the events of yesterday. Twenty-two people turned up at Victoria RG for a game of cricket on a wonderful summer’s day but we were not able to play because a pitch had not been prepared. Because of the clement weather, plenty of friends and family had also turned up with picnics and our Club Treasurer had arrived with five large bags of shopping to make the tea in the pavilion as she always does.

 

Between us, we spent over two hours driving around Kingston, Surbiton, Berrylands, New Malden, etc. trying to find an alternative venue but to no avail. In the end, at 2.30pm, we had no choice but to abandon the fixture. Our opponents yesterday are long-standing friends of the Club and it was extremely embarrassing for Andy and myself to have to call off this game because of an apparent administrative error by RB Kingston or your sub-contractors.

 

Suffice it to say that we do not wish to ever have a repeat of such an error in future. I would very much appreciate it if you could ensure that the dates for our remaining home fixtures this season are communicated very clearly to the sub-contractor who prepares the wicket and the sub-contractor who provides the groundsman. Our next home fixture is on Sunday 30 May, commencing at 1pm.

 

 

I have checked my records and when I sent the Contractor’s copy down to them you WERE on the WHITE copy, which they retain. Unfortunately when they received the FINAL copy for the week of the 15/16 May it was not on there, as I have found to my horror this morning.

 

In 13 years this has never happened before and I wish to assure you and your Club that it will not happen again. A full credit will be given. Your next booking is for 30 May and there will NOT be a problem. Once again I trust that you will accept my apologies. The bookings will have to be checked more thoroughly, so this does not happen again.

Stumps v. Gents

 

Lyttelton Playing Fields, London N2, Sunday, 23 May. Gents won toss. Sunny, 18°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 7 wickets

 

Stumps fly in Garden Suburb

 

Assertive batting, allied to stupendous running between the wickets, by Mark Sciberras and Wayne Thompson saw The Gents to a victory earned by the seamers but set up by a correct call of the coin by Sanjay Patel. For this was an excellent toss to win with the classic bowl-first juxtaposition of a damp pitch, a drying wind and sunshine. The Gents have yet to bat first in 2004 but have so far controlled games through disciplined bowling and tight fielding.

 

The Stumps were a new oppo and a very friendly bunch. The park itself and its hinterland of Hampstead Garden Suburbs were easy on the eye too, the only drawback being vandalised, unusable changing rooms. The match was late in starting but by 2.30pm we were away, The Gents having only nine men on the ground at that time. Jim Wright and the skipper opened the bowling and had early successes, Wright yorking the burly Windward Islander Derrick Murray and Sanjay inducing a chip to mid-on and another bowled.

 

A double-change saw the Kiwi bowlers struggling to find their line as the runs mounted for the fourth wicket, Stumps fighting back well. Stacey was very powerful on the leg-side, Dhokia quieter but composed. The game was settling down into a well-balanced contest when suddenly Thompson unleashed a brilliant inswinger that pitched outside off and knocked Stacey’s leg-stump out of the ground. The innings then went into freefall as Derriman and Scibo cleaned up. Ryon was in the action too with a steepling catch close in after much delegation in his direction from his team-mates. Fifty-five all out by four o’clock, four wickets to Ryon.

 

Stumps, like St. Anne’s four weeks before, were determined to make amends for their low total and had three early successes. Buck (who had admirably reconstructed the plot of the Squeeze song ‘Up The Junction’ over the previous 24 hours) and Wright were bowled, while Norcott went for his shots before chipping a full-toss to mid-off. Scibo and Thompson then proceeded to win the game with a fine stand. The Maltese Falcon’s back-foot play was the best of the day while Wayne charged at the bowling, using his good eye to improvise shots all round the ground, though he was dropped late on in the deep. There was a four apiece but more importantly three threes to Scibo and four to Wayne. Medical assistance was nearly required when Scibo hooked the ball into his face. He took a moment to recover his composure before asking for the helmet. This increased his confidence to such an extent that he scored a direct hit on V Dhokia’s plums with a straight drive. The Gents were home in under 17 overs. It was a good win, but more important was the birth of a possible regular fixture. Thanks to Stumps for a good day out, an excellent tea and some lively company in the Five Bells afterwards.

Gents v. West XI

 

Victoria RG, Surbiton, Sunday, 30 May. Gents won toss. Bright with showers, 20°

 

 

West XI won by 6 wickets

 

Bhatt out of Hell

 

Having survived a series of dropped catches, posted a fair score of 151-8 on a sporting pitch and removed Taylor and Dane quickly through Dhruv Patel’s spin, The Gents were sensing that, after a year of Beggar dominance, the pendulum had begun to swing their way. Two hours later, they had lost, thanks to a superb innings from Neepam Bhatt (well-supported by cousin Bhavesh Vyas and Simon Pryor), his first West XI fifty. Gent bowlers tried all the tricks of the trade, fielded well but were powerless to stop the onslaught.

 

Both sides lacked only one star. Chris Wright had long been unavailable but this was countered by Snarler’s late withdrawal. The Gents had Gilkes at eleven and Beggars Bignell at ten, an indication of the batting strength on display. Sanjay won the toss and batted (Taylor would have fielded), risking the gung-ho Ryon Derryman as opener. It did not work as Walton held a simple catch at square-leg and when Ken Toft edged to slip Beggar tails were up. Wayne Thompson went for his shots as The Gents fought back well, while Jim Wright’s 26-over vigil glued the innings together, though he was never fluent. Thompson fell to another Taylor slip catch off a Vyas lifter. The middle-order never broke free against the accurate, wily Laing (who exuded noxious clouds of self-satisfaction for the rest of the day, bless him) and the penetrative if more expensive Ling and it took a late Buck onslaught to post the 150. At half-time The Gents were reasonably content.

 

Taylor was yorked off a Husain No ball but would give a simple caught and bowled next over. Dhruv then yorked Chris Dane but Vyas and Bhatt went for their shots, being especially punitive on the leg-side. Kiwi and English seam came alike to them and though they sometimes played uppishly and survived a couple of shouts for lbw, they put West XI ahead of the rate. Wright outed Vyas and Walton in quick succession, but Pryor batted wisely as young Bhatt accelerated, going on to strike 11 fours. There were 17 balls left when four byes off the hyped-up Husain, whose early tussle with Vyas was cricket in the raw, won the match for West XI.

 

The talking point after was rightly Neepam’s innings. It was a tour de force which rendered other topics of post-match analysis – the conditions (tough for both sides in a mixture of sun and showers), Sanjay’s bat-first decision, the choice of bowlers, Taylor’s haircut and spectator Snarler’s striking up of diplomatic relations with a stunning Bulgarian piece (believed to belong to a Gent Kiwi) – irrelevant. The Gents will need to play out of their skins to win the 2004 Bob Ashton Memorial Cup against such a fine side, but it is not beyond their capabilities. For now, however, the laurel wreath belongs to a young Anglo-Indian librarian from Acton.
New Gents Neeped in the bud

 

Thanks to the miracle of Their Royal Highnesses’ internet, and the ingenious cut and paste facility invented by the Duke of Edinburgh in 1948, we can now bring you Steve Bignell’s fair and illuminating match report, though Sanjay’s agent denies that his client uttered the sentiments expressed in the penultimate paragraph.

 

“Neeped in the bud” is pretty good, though “Bhatt out of Hell” is better! The whole circuit is grateful for Steve’s timely, balanced analysis of West XI’s games.

 

 

A fine spell from Dave Laing kept the batsmen from accelerating and he got a deserved wicket by bowling Dhruv Patel at 83. A scratchy innings from Wright (32) ended when bowled by Taylor. Ling then picked up two vital wickets, including Sanjay Patel, before suffering as Tony Buck cut loose to cow corner in the last few overs. Nevertheless, West XI had done well to contain the total to 150. Though the catching behind the wicket was tip-top three routine catches were spilled in the outfield and West XI probably conceded 20 runs too many.

Unusually, The Gents chose to open with Dhruv Patel’s spinners, but it paid off as he induced the boy Taylor to pat back a long hop for another blob and after Daney had wafted him for two fours, bowled the Beggar batsman with a full-length delivery. The cricket is never dull when Bhav and Neep come together (or Beep and Nhav as a befuddled Steve Rennie called them later that evening) and this pair added 66 in 14 overs, Bhav being severe when Nabil Husain strayed down the leg side, sparking a couple of obscure exchanges between batsmen and bowler.

 

Only when Thompson and Wright were bowling in tandem did The Gents look on top, as they threatened to strangle the West XI innings. Bhav was caught behind at 80 and Willow Man fell victim to Wright at 87, strangely looking all at sea after last week’s heroics.

As Simon Pryor joined Neep the innings was restricted to just 11 runs in eight overs, twenty dot balls going down in a row, but the batsmen regained momentum just in time. Neep survived a loud leg-before shout (on a day when only one appeal was answered in favour of the fielding side) but batted brilliantly in the closing overs, well supported by Simon pushing ones and twos.

 

The New Gents have a talented line-up, but lack definition. After batting, keeping wicket and captaining the side Sanjay Patel should not be expected to come on and bowl some overs at the death. His second over went for 12 and virtually sealed the result, West XI eventually coasting home with 17 balls to spare.

Despite Sanjay’s protests that West XI are currently a far more talented side than The Gents, there is really not that much between the teams, West XI’s current dominance (four wins on the bounce in this series) perhaps being more psychological than physical. It was West XI’s fifth successive win in 2004 and The Gents’ first defeat.

Despite being the last to arrive, acting West XI skipper Stewart Taylor showed he was taking his duties seriously by taking paper and pencil onto the field, purportedly to note down overs bowled, but in reality to write some Surrealist poetry during the match’s quieter interludes, an example of which follows:

”And the wrath of Patel shall lo descend upon us.
The cherry thunderbolts from the heavens diminish our valour.
Forlorn I cry “My kingdom for a shampoo bottle!”

London Saints v. Gents

 

Church Street, Edmonton, Saturday, 5 June. London Saints won toss. Cloudy, 20°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 43 runs

 

Northern Alliance triumphant

 

In the club’s first 40 over game since 12 Angry Men ground out 284-3 at a boiling Surbiton in 2001, The Gents, led by skipper Sanjay with bat and ball, gained their first win at Church Street in three attempts. Inserted by Mr. Thomas on a green but true strip, the visitors racked up a healthy score before accurate seam bowling left the talented Saints’ middle-order with a mountainous task. It was a satisfying win against a Saints team who were their usual competitive but sporting and funny selves. Their brand of self-deprecating humour is always a match-winner, whatever happens in the middle.

 

As seven Gents from the previous week had vaporised, thanks are due to the North London Beggar associate member chapel for filling in, as per usual in this fixture, to great effect. Though Steve Bignell suffered a rare failure against this opposition, Bhav and Mr. Extras had put up 31 by the time he was bowled in the sixth over. Ken Toft played an excellent holding role after Bhav was caught at gully, while Ryon Derriman, caught at mid-wicket going for a repeat of an enormous six the previous ball, began to apply the pressure. Though Richard Gilkes and Snarler fell quickly, Sanjay found solid support from the tail as he played a cracking innings, full of powerful off and straight drives. He was at the crease for only 13 overs for his 47 (a round 47 more than the year before), hit six fours and was back to his form of the old Town Park days of this fixture.

 

An early caught behind in the first over of Phil Hill’s accurate straight-through spell was a tonic for the troops but Andys Jones and Mayhew dug in for 20 overs to the usual wry encouragement from their team-mates. Though they accelerated around the 20-over drinks break, the required run rate had gone to seven by the time a simple run out parted them. The bowling was tight (only three wides) and though a couple of chances were shelled the fielding was generally impervious. The game then took on a new dimension after a shock golden duck for potential match-winner Chris Swiderski, controversially given lbw by Mr. Griffiths, who sought sanctuary with The Gents post-match! Dave Nanton, who drove an enormous six off Ling and Troy de Ruyter went for their shots from the word go. It took a full spell of top accuracy from Sanjay plus three pacy overs from the returning Snarler to strangle the life out of the innings, which was done with the help of good catching, of which James Lewis’s superbly-judged effort at mid-wicket was the apex. A victory by 43 runs then, but Saints were lacking Cotton and Mauger from their ideal batting line-up. An entertaining evening in the Lamb PH followed with several participants then braving Edmonton Green station, the most threatening place in the world, though the cricketers were of only peripheral interest to the local yardie entrepreneurs.
Readers’ letters

 

 

I hope you’ve got over Sunday’s cancellation, it’s irritating as hell but these things happen. If you enjoy watching your cricket in the middle of a building site then visit The Oval – I can’t believe they’ve knocked down that lovely old scoreboard!

I witnessed the most incompetent piece of umpiring yet seen. The Surrey No.10 skied a catch to long-off where it was caught by the fielder (Koenig) who juggled and almost stumbled over the rope but claimed a fair catch. The umpire (at least 80 yards away) immediately signalled a six and refused to change his mind since Surrey members on boundary (probably Chelsea fans) claimed Koenig’s foot had touched the rope. All then kicked off. Ginger Hayward and batsman were separated by umpire and ’keeper Nash kept trying to run out the batsman when the ball was dead (see P. Hill v. Wandham).

 

The inevitable happened as the last pair then added 100. The fielder had claimed the catch was fair and that should have been the end of it. Whatever happened to honour and sportsmanship in cricket? John Emburey has lodged a complaint with the match referee. Never trust anyone from South of the river. Check out Middlesexx rant line at www.middx.tk 

 

(At least at the level of The Gents and West XI you never get controversial umpiring decisions. Ed.)

 

 

Thanks for the report: a tad partial but history is written by the winners! Well played all round. We look forward to the rematch. Have a good season.

Neep played a blinder, I can attest that The Gents’ bowling was top class but Neep was in special form today, a great match by all, look forward to the next instalment.

Victorian values

 

There is some tough cricket to be played, and a hot snap may soon kick in, so thanks to Ljubljana CC for publishing some timely advice on health and fitness from Mr. AG Steel (Lancashire), who captained England in four matches in 1886 and 1888. He takes as his topic “Diet, Pre-match training and On-field Refreshments.”

 

 

Editor’s note – A ‘shandy-gaff ’ is not, as we first believed, a mistaken and regrettable act of sexual prostitution performed, for a suspiciously small number of euros, by a possibly not entirely female hooker in Amsterdam, but a refreshing cocktail of beer or lager and ginger beer.

Readers’ letters

 

 

Your interesting and ingenious, but possibly apocryphal, explanation of the peculiarity of Junction 5 of the M11 contained a geographical misconception I feel obliged to correct. Whilst living (almost) within sight of Ilford and of Valentine’s Park where such locals as Graham Gooch and Nasser Hussain once played for Essex, I am in fact resident in East London rather than the aforementioned county.

 

I live in Wanstead E12 (although confusingly this was also the one-time location of Wanstead House, the erstwhile home of the Earl of Essex. Wanstead House was once compared to the Palace of Versailles, before being dismantled and sold off in the 18^th. century to pay the gambling debts of its dissolute owner). Chris Wright also lives in E12, albeit in the less salubrious Manor Park (location of The Earl of Essex pub, once compared to an armpit). However Mr. Wright’s childhood residence of Upminster does qualify him for the white socks county.

 

The border between London and Essex is in fact the River Roding, crossed by, among others the ‘Red Bridge’ after which the borough is named, and which to add to the confusion, covers both East London and Essex post codes.

 

 

I used to visit a depot in Walthamstow, during my former incarnation as branch accountant/administrator for Builders Hire Service c. 1987. I had to travel a lot around that neck of the woods (i.e. West Essex.) I remember

the old MK Electrical factory on the A406, near to the Crooked Billet Roundabout. I can't say that I never really took much notice of Junction 5 of the M11, since I hardly went up that way. I was chiefly confined to Ponders

End, Chigwell and Loughton.

 

If we are discussing history of the towns where we live, Feltham is a Saxon settlement, which means ‘Home In The Field.’ Its Saxon name was ‘Felteha.’ It once belonged to King Henry II and Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine. He sold it to the Hospital of St. Giles in London (this history commemorated in the St. Giles Hotel beside the station.) It was a rural place until the 1970’s, when extensive building took place. The railway came to Feltham in 1848 and the former Feltham Marshalling Yards totalled 32 miles of tracks, distributed along the line, which ran across Hounslow Heath. Some of the old rails still exist.

 

The small pond beside the railway line was a former gravel pit, dug out for aggregate for the building of the railway. Feltham was an important railway town, as well as a market gardening place. The main landowner and market gardener was AW Smith, who owned most of Feltham during the Edwardian period through to the 1930’s. Browells Lane is named after a very influential clerical family, and Henry Herbert Browell (whom

Browells Lane is named after) is buried in St. Dunstan’s Church. There was a church on the site of St. Dunstan’s from very ancient times, but the present church was rebuilt in 1802.

 

The Army barracks have been in Feltham since the 18^th. century, and local industry included the making of gunpowder (remains of the former blast wall can be found in Donkey Wood) and the dyeing of soldiers’ uniforms using brazil nuts, is commemorated in Brazil Mill Wood. Thomas Massey, the last Feltham man to be hanged at Tyburn, is buried in St. Dunstan’s Church. He was originally buried at the crossroads of High Street, Sunbury Road, St. Dunstan’s Road and Ashford Road, but was reburied in the churchyard in 1932, when junction improvements were being carried out. He was hanged following a ‘robbery of a person from Hounslow.’

 

Famous people who live in Feltham include athlete Kris Akabussi and actors Derek Martin (‘Charlie Slater’ in “Eastenders”) and Dean Gaffney. Formula 1 racing driver Juan Pablo Montoya stayed in Feltham and highwayman Dick Turpin frequented its byways.

 

(Implicit above is the demise of hordes of Felthamites at Tyburn, but for now we need to know more about the topping of Massey, being bereft of information on the black-hearted villain. Was he an ancestor of the New Barbarian Weasels’ No.11 batsman, Paul? Was the long drop method used, or was he just strung up until he kicked and breathed his last and his soul departed to Hell, to the delight of the assembled chavs? Ed.)

West London 2004 fixtures

 

 

·          Gents home games start at 1pm

·          BAMC = Bob Ashton Memorial Cup (West XI holders)

·          PALs = PALs League three-team competition (12 Angry Men holders)

·          LNC = Lord Nelson Cup

 

Overall record Played 5 Won 4 Lost 1 Cancelled 2

 

Runs W Thompson 113, S Patel 59, K Toft 50, B Vyas/ J Wright 45, D Patel 38

Wickets W Thompson/S Patel 7, R Derriman 6, S Snelling/J Wright 5, D Patel 4

Catches S Patel 5, S Bignell /R Derriman/D Patel 2, J Lewis/M Sciberras/S Snelling 1

 

PALs results/table league (to 5 June)

 

12 Angry Men 136 Gents 139-4, New Barbarian Weasels 135 12 Angry Men 136-4

 

1= 12 Angry Men Played 2 Points 2, 1= The Gents 1-2

3 New Barbarian Weasels 1-0

Street cries of old Slough

Who will buy my crisp black binbags?

 

No word of a lie, we heard this exchange between two young ladies outside Woolworth’s in Slough High Street recently. Should Ling or Chris Wright venture from their posh BT offices near the station, thence to walk (protected by armed security if they have any sense) along the attractively graffitied, moist underpass into the Queensmere Shopping Centre, they may hear something very similar.

 

 

 

Slough has its good points (brilliant rail connections and a well-sized Matalan) but is not the cricket hotbed it once was. The Editor recalls a Minor Counties v. Pakistanis game there in 1982 that was absolutely mobbed (rain-ruined from memory) but Slough CC has now moved and they do not seem to attract the big fixtures any more.

 

You are surrounded

 

Truly, the warm weather is now upon us, Venus is in transit across the Sun, and out come the freaks. The hot Sunday of 6 June saw an armed siege kick off less than two miles from the West XI/St. Anne’s match, causing disruption and consternation to the populace. Though it is always lively in the environs of Ealing and Brentford when West XI are at home, their players usually stop short, just, of forcing police to close off entire streets and impose diversions on the 237, 237 and 65 bus routes. At the time of writing, early Monday afternoon 7 June, a face-off in Albany Road between the police and one or more armed vagabonds, has been going on for over 24 hours, paralysing local businesses, including the excellent Albany Fish Bar (prop. G. and A. Costides), as the trained negotiators and counsellors do their stuff.

 

In 1911, something similar happened, but the police response then was very different. The Siege of Sydney Street in the East End saw police officers, under direct instruction from Home Secretary Winston Churchill and armed with Lee Enfield rifles, pour fire into the siege house until it exploded, killing the miscreants, who had fled there. Those killed were two North London ‘tasty boys’ (a type of Edwardian chav), Harold Alfred ‘The Painter’ Dane and Wilfred Cedric Bignell. Both were Woolwich Arsenal F.C. supporters and their crime (minor by today’s standards perhaps, but regarded darkly then) was ‘To blaspheme His Majesty King George V by forging a Postal Order to purchase tickets for a Football Association Challenge Cup-tie.’