THE GENT

 

July 2004

No. 93

 

Tales from the corridor of uncertainty

 

Bowling, son!

 

 

Old Ruts mums applaud their boys

 

INSIDE…

 

Match reports New Barbarian Weasels (PALs League) (won by 2 wickets) Old Rutlishians (lost by 37 runs) Enterprise (won by 138 runs) Virgin Casuals (abandoned as a draw) London Rams (won by 90 runs) Ryon and Wayne smash club record stand Beggar roll climaxes with maiden Lord Nelson Cup triumph Ex-Gent in blue movie shock Readers’ letters – Manor Park exhumations and Asif Din

 

Editor AJ Burman, Head (Covert Operations), And Another Thing Plc

Runs flow between the showers

Maiden 50s for Richard/Justin, Wayne/Ryon crack record stand

 

The Met. Office got it wrong for the second successive match, but this time it was in the cricketers’ favour, as the heavy showers forecast for the afternoon of the Saturday 3 July visit to London Rams did not materialise. The Gents’ middle-order will no doubt offer up praises for this benediction. There is no easy method to quantify innings recoveries, but to go from 22-4 to 231-6 must rank fairly high up the scale. Sanjay Patel’s 59, well assisted by HP Denton (on top form all day, but particularly post-match) set the scene before a blast of 110 off only 10.2 overs between Wayne Thompson and Ryon Derriman smashed the club’s seventh-wicket record, previously 95 between Jim Wright and Snarler against Norwich.

 

Let us now go back a few weeks. The 12/13 June double-header weekend, the first since July 2002, was a success, with two exciting games on excellent private grounds, nine chaps playing both games, two maiden Gents’ fifties and the birth of a prestigious new fixture for the club. The Saturday at King’s College saw a tense, Sanjay-inspired win against the new-look Weasels. Mind you, they could say the same about The Gents, for only five players played both this fixture and the July 2003 one.

 

Twenty-four hours later, The Gents were again in awe of the facilities. Old Rutlishians CC was a fixture to be savoured, vital to compete, must put on a good show, etc. A lost toss on a hot day and a mammoth total of 215-3 in 40 overs later, things were pretty grim. But did not the great Roman poet Horace once write, “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant”? Or, as Anon more pithily expressed it when inventing a motto for the Royal Air Force, Per Ardua ad Astra. Step forward new opening pair Justin Norcott and Richard Gilkes, whose sumptuous opening stand of 66 in only 14 overs put The Gents in with a great chance of winning. It was not to be but 178-9 (Gilkes a masterful 51) was enough for a 2005 rematch to be offered. A good night after, too, in which HP Denton’s expert psychoanalysis of the complex Neil Hadfield was considerably more entertaining than the England/France football.

 

It was quite a sight to see the Stepford Children (© Mr. Buck, Licensed Purveyor of Quips to a Grateful Nation), most of them Surrey Under 13 and Under 15 players, running into bowl. One of them even called umpire Burman ‘sir’ whereupon the circuit’s best official was sorely tempted to buy ice creams all round, if you can still do that without the Social Services giving you the curly finger. Less impressed was Snarler Snelling, who had been smitten for several fours by an assertive 15-year-old. “This is what happens when you don’t cane it out of them at school,” he huffed.

 

The following Sunday’s talking point was a maiden fifty from Justin Norcott (51) against a game Enterprise at rainy Surbiton. His dog Humphrey proudly witnessed it, having earlier caused consternation to ex-postman Mr. Buck by lolloping into The Gents’ dressing room for a play. Buck’s double take was a thing of beauty. South African Ryon Derriman scored a brutal 51 (his second Gent 50) and Mr. Gilkes weighed in with 43. Justin and Gilkesy posted an impressive opening stand of 85 to go with their 66 the week before. Marvellous.

 

Hopes were therefore high for the visit to Brondesbury to play Bernie’s Casuals, another oversubscribed game. The Gents did well to restrict a powerful batting line-up to 172, though too many extras were conceded. A top-class reply then saw The Gents stumble to 42-6, having been 28-0! HP Denton, ever with a balanced view on things, said the collapse was “80% weather, 20% batting.” When it became too wet to continue Bernie offered the draw, which was accepted, though had Duckworth-Lewis Tables been available then the Casuals may just have edged it. This was eerily a mirror-image of the clubs’ first clash back in 1995, when The Gents’ 164 (Ashton 52) proved a match-winner, as the latter stages of the match were played out in torrential rain in which Jim Wright was practically unplayable. Mr. Ashton, in a funny mood that day, sternly refused to offer the draw.

 

Congratulations to West XI who in gaining their tenth successive win finally won the Lord Nelson Cup after 12 years of hurt. Our own Sanjay Patel and Justin Norcott both played, Justin coming close to the Player of the Series award (won by the Duke of Manor Park) for his 30 runs and three outfield catches.

 

The next edition of The Gent will at best trumpet PALs League championship success and victory against West XI at Gunnersbury Park (thereby setting up an exciting Berkhamsted September decider) or at worst a choking in both competitions, with 12 Angry Men being in a position to edge the league and Beggars dormie 2. Whichever, The Gents will enjoy it, as they will their boys’ day out to Lord’s for the Middlesex/Surrey Twenty20 game.
Asif Din hits Surbiton

 

After an unusually placid start to the season, the eighth Beggar win, against a slightly below-par and over-sledged Weasels, was riddled with controversy. “Beggars step boldly on Surbiton minefield” was the headline on the Yes..No..Sorry! web-site, though whether their match reporter was referring to the pitch or the attitude between the two teams is a moot point. Quoth Mr. Bignell:

 

 

 

Things then began to hot up. Andy Robinson, that well-known friend of Exiles CC, let it be known that he was serially unimpressed by both teams, citing Mr. Wright’s umpire intimidation, sledging by Asif (of whom more in a moment), some short-pitched stuff from Michaels against his good self and the orgasmic celebration of Iain Regnier-Wilson when he bowled Taylor!

 

While there were a few administrative problems, to which Mr. Owen responds overleaf, these things are a fact of life. The Gents failed to provide a tea for West XI a few years ago and never heard the last of it, while more recently they failed even to provide a game for Urban Associates. Of greater import this time was the behaviour of a gentleman called Asif, a boundary waif who pitched up pimping for a game and then displayed a truckload of attitude not seen at VRG since 1993, when young Robert was signed up by West XI on that infamous July afternoon.

 

Asif dished it out to Nick Woodhead and it was arguably only the good manners beaten into him by the beaks at his Public School which prevented a more physical response by Adam Michaels to some choice comments about his bowling action, a subject he deals with graciously later. Asif then posted a magnificent piece of condescension on The Gents’ message board, but was put back in his box by Noble Sniper Flack.

 

 

 

Things then exploded as Bethnal Green Asif and Bermondsey Bill upped the ante, culminating with a ripe exchange of cyberspace insults and Bill calling Asif “East End scum.” Have it! Indeed Bill was a busy man that week, also posting on Wests’ board to distance himself from the current Weasel hierarchy.

 

In case Asif should read this, The Gents know their place. They recognise that their side is both weak and unsettled, but that is the natural station of the club. It does not desire to improve, merely to turn up and accept regular beatings, chiefly at the hands of West XI, who as he rightly implies are not only better cricketers but have a more settled club, drive faster cars and have more extensive record collections.

 

A Public Inquiry is to be convened and recommendations made, chief of which is expected to be a warning to captains to be very careful when signing up people turning up on the off chance of a game.
Readers’ letters

 

 

Like the rest of NBWCC, I bear some responsibility for the shambolic hosting of Saturday’s West XI fixture. The second changing room and toilet being closed was the result of the groundsman taking the wrong keys, for which he apologised, so it was a one-off. The lack of teas is shameful and something that we have to consider for the future. This is a matter for us to work out but in the mean time I am sorry.

 

I must say I don’t remember any sledging from Asif, although some of the guys said there were some comments from someone about my bowling action while we were fielding. This is all part of the league mentality: unsettle people and undermine their confidence. I’ve seen it all before, it’s pretty unpleasant and certainly one of the reasons why NBWCC have been very suspicious of league cricket, even the PALs League. The only thing I heard from Asif was a sporting “well played” after the game. The team view seemed to be that the guy is a complete cock, but I didn’t really have any awareness of him on the day apart from his being a decent bowler.

 

As for my ‘unconventional’ bowling action, this has plagued me since I was about 14. My understanding is that it is occasional rather than every ball/game. I wonder how it compares with bowlers such as Kirtley? The problem is that it all goes on out of sight: the arm is straight as I start and straight when I finish but in between God knows (and no one who mentions it can really tell me). My impression is that it is occasional and does not really affect my bowling. I would obviously accept the umpire’s decision if he didn’t like it, so perhaps this is the best way forward. But I do not play league cricket so note that there has been no validation by league umpires. I occasionally get a comment but its friendly and I am not called, probably because I am military medium. I’ve only been called by two umpires ever, and I play around 40 games a year.

 

Anyway, enough about me. I don’t think there is any bad blood between the sides, although I appreciate that West XI will feel rather let down by our attempts at hosting the game. Whenever we play without Jez Owen and

Pat Hurley their positive impact on the organisational side becomes all too clear.

 

 

As far as the 1pm start goes (against West XI), I have heard no such suggestion. This was a Weasel home game and, unless specified, these start at 2pm. I don’t believe there was any such specification in this case. It’s all we can do to get our lot there by 2pm, never mind an hour earlier.

 

There are certain games on our schedule where teas are a problem, mostly those at Chiswick (and formerly at Eltham) but also this fixture at Surbiton. On these occasions, we ask our players to bring two lots of tea.

This request is regularly advertised in Kitbag. Unfortunately, it has tended to fall on deaf ears.

 

I have heard various tales about that day’s pitch and its variable bounce. Having played at Victoria RG many times, I take the view that it was a one-off. I’ve known indifferent pitches there, but nothing dangerous. We are perhaps spoiled by our access to the King’s College and LSE grounds at Berrylands, two of the best squares in the capital, and a return to public parks comes as a bit of a shock to the system. But they are a fact of life at our level of cricket and we should not complain too loudly. The alternative is no cricket.

 

Iain Regnier-Wilson. What can I say? To quote Ray Wilkins in a Tango advert of long ago, “The lad’s a Frenchman, anything could happen.” He is quite mad but entirely harmless, with absolutely no malice. His exuberant celebration of a wicket should not be construed as disrespect for the opposition, for it is certainly not intended as such.

 

Adam Michaels has courted controversy with his bowling since he joined our club, and one or two of our more precious opposition have seen fit to call him for chucking. If there is anything unconventional about his action, I don’t believe he gains any significant advantage from it, certainly in terms of pace. I am happy to bowl him. If the opposing captain has a problem with him, let him come to me and discuss it.

 

The Weasels and West XI have a long and predominantly happy relationship. I hope this will continue as long as both teams continue. If any bad feeling arose from this game, let it remain on the pitch and let us move on in the spirit with which both sides like to play the game.
Readers’ letters

 

 

It is interesting to note that Mr. Chris Wright lives in the less salubrious district of East London called Manor Park. This place became a hotbed of unwanted notoriety in March 2000, when the Evening Standard reported scandalous outrages going on in Manor Park Cemetery (proper name Woodgrange Park Cemetery.) Older parts of the cemetery were required for new housing, but the only problem was, the London Borough of Newham neglected to inform residents and those who might have had graves there, that work was about to take place and bodies exhumed. Work began on ‘clearing’ the site (unfortunate turn of phrase meaning ‘emptying of graves’) and residents and visitors alike were shocked and horrified to see stacks of discarded coffins and a large JCB at work, as Council men sifted through the graves for bones. Although screens were erected around graves, residents of high-rise flats who were able to see over the screens from their living rooms, were aghast to see skeletons being unearthed. All of the old burials were thrown into a pit minus their coffins, and the new housing went up on the former cemetery. The tombstones on the former graves were broken up and used as building ballast.

 

Thomas Massey was, as far as I know, the only Feltham man to be hanged at Tyburn. I don’t know if the hanging method was ‘long drop’ or not, but he met his just and deserved grisly end and he was gibbeted at the St. Dunstan’s Crossroads. His tombstone in St. Dunstan’s Churchyard is almost indecipherable now, but it’s always covered in fresh flowers. Whether this Massey is related to Paul Massey is not known!

 

Tales of Old Slough, part 2: did you know that a coach and four haunts the road from Slough to Fulmer? The crunch of wheels on gravel is heard on still winter nights, but nothing is seen.

 

 

Congratulations to Justin. Playing two games in a weekend must suit him.

 

Gent Hosannas sung   From Richard Blackwell (Stumps CC)   This magazine is brilliant. These guys sound like fun. Congratulations to whoever got the fixture. Shouldn’t a team with the intellectual talents of Stumps be doing the same thing now we’ve got e-mail?   From Maxie Haddow-Allen (Captain and Secretary, St. Anne’s Allstars)   Nice one, Andy - I particularly liked the reference to Aleister Crowley. One point of detail - our scorer’s name is Tom Everest, not Everett. Re the West game, here’s a submission for your next edition’s letters page:   Many thanks and congratulations from everyone at the St. Anne’s Allstars to West XI for our match on 6 June. This epic contest ended in a one run victory after a fabulous match which went down to the very last ball with all four results still possible. Although it was a little galling to lose by such a small margin, all credit to West for their match-winning fielding and nerveless bowling at the death. Very well played, and thanks also for an excellent tea.

 

 

Well played Gents v. West XI. It was a very good game and a very tough one as well. Good luck Gents in the future. Well played Westies, we are on a roll and we hope we can carry on like this.

 

(Well played yourselves, guys. Ed.)

Readers’ letters

 

If anyone doubts what happens to a cricket team who start ignoring the social spirit and start thinking they are a serious team, can I point you in the direction of the Exiles’ web-page? Since Exiles last hammered The Gents and Andy Burman was told they would only play them if he could guarantee that they would field a strong side, the Exiles have suffered the following dampers:

·                     A fixture list full of blanks

·                     A fall out with the landlords of their pitch that has seen them become homeless

·                     Fixtures against league teams resulting in a 100+ runs thrashing, followed up by taunts that the Exiles only did as well as they did because the home team had reversed the batting

·                     A revolt that split the team

·                     An inability to field a full team on a regular basis

·                     Finally Mr. Self-important Shorrock is resigning because he is not appreciated and has got no friends.

Goodbye Exiles, long live the West London spirit of social cricket.

 

(Sourer than a bottle of Sarson’s, Andy. Nobody should delight, whatever the history, in the demise of another club. No man is an island, entire of itself. Anyone who doubts that the 1990’s pogroms in former Yugoslavia could happen one day in this sceptred isle are invited to read the above. Behind the smiling facade that is West XI lurks a team of potential mass murderers. No good will come of them. Ed.)

 

Perfect 10 for Beautiful West

 

This is truly a remarkable sequence, better than anything The Gents have ever produced, though defeat on 3 July to Ditcheat meant that their record of 11 successive wins (in 1989) remained intact. The wins have with the exception of nail-biters against the brave St. Anne’s and London Saints, with which they won the Lord Nelson Cup for the first time, been convincing. Chief Constable Ronald Mason of Hounslow Constabulary commented, “The 2004 West XI side are not a bad lot. True, most of their games have seen low-level disturbances in nearby pubs and fines for ticketless travel, but at least their captain’s on the square and the kerfuffle is nothing to what their old mob got up to. And when you look at the DVD piracy and porn rings rampant in one or two other clubs I’m not too worried.”

 

 New Barbarian Weasels v. Gents

 

King’s College SC, New Malden, Saturday, 12 June. NB Weasels won toss. Sunny, 21°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 2 wickets

 

Captain Sanjay holds his nerve

 

To The Gents, and in particular to the masterful, nerveless Sanjay Patel, the two league points but to a brave, ten-man Weasel side the plaudits as they very fought like tigers and nearly pulled off a sensational win. Facing a moderate batting total of 136 on a batsman’s paradise of a wicket, a combination of ill-luck, good bowling and rash strokeplay saw The Gents in the mire at 21-4. An excellent Wright/Sanjay stand then brought the visitors to within sight of victory before a tumble of wickets ensured a tense finish, in which The Gents just prevailed.

 

The trip to King’s College Sports Club, affectionately if with geographical imprecision known across the circuit as Berrylands, is eagerly awaited and it is a pleasure to report that this game was oversubscribed, though Mr. Snelling could not make it, preferring a neighbour’s BBQ, at which, we speculate, no conversational topic from water features to house prices was left unexplored. A healthy looking side was still put out, however, and did well to restrict Weasels, though too many four-balls were bowled, the hosts finding the boundary 17 times to The Gents’ 14. Courtney Perry was the most destructive batter but a good piece of thinking and execution – long-on back with Dhruv bowling – saw his demise, Ryon Derriman taking a brilliant catch off a rocket of a drive. Bishop, the suspiciously named Regnier-Wilson and especially Alexander also impressed, as did Sanjay and Thompson with the ball. NZ Waynie also took an excellent, instinctive low catch at short mid-wicket while gully Justin Norcott had earlier poached Greg Wheldon off a top-edged hook.

 

After tea, Sanjay promptly incurred the wrath of the cricketing Gods by giving the scorer only positions one to three in the batting order before marching out to perform umpiring duties with Scibo. After a solid opening stand featuring an exquisite Norcott cover-driven boundary, four wickets then fell in a heap, three to the ageless Owen. Thompson chipped a full-toss to mid-on, Norcott was harshly adjudged caught down the leg-side and Dhruv Patel pulled limply to square-leg. Derriman then did the club’s reputation no harm by walking off a thin edge that the umpire did not see or hear and it was backs to the wall time. Jim Wright and the skipper responded bravely, being particularly harsh on Perry and Welling United-fan Gregg Dyer. After Jim fell to the nippy Wheldon, only Scibo of the remaining batsmen batted with confidence as Weasel tails were alert and twitching. But Sanjay displayed a calm maturity, punching the singles into the covers or nudging them to mid-wicket and despatching the loose ball with élan. His seven fours were caressed thorough the off, driven straight and once, off Bishop, glanced subtly. His innings deserved to win the match and it did. The Weasels were excellent company and they creditably, if perhaps sacrificially, declined the offer of an eleventh man from Gent ranks.

Old Rutlishians v. Gents

 

Old Rutlishians SC, Morden, Sunday, 13 June. Old Rutlishians won toss. Sunny, 25°

 

 

Old Rutlishians won by 37 runs

 

Lionheart heroics see Gents close

 

An heroic Gents’ batting performance, led by the outstanding Richard Gilkes, on a beautiful batting wicket was not quite enough to secure a win in this maiden fixture, played at the very impressive Old Ruts’ ground in Morden. Ruts, a mixture of colts and Saturday league players, were a very handy outfit and deserved to win but, chasing a mammoth 216, a blistering opening stand of 66 in only 14 overs between Gilkes and Norcott gave The Gents an excellent platform. Wright and Patel built on it but the pressure was in the end too much and the middle-order failed before Buck, Denton and Lewis at least ensured that the side was not bowled out.

 

The Gents were all on time and as it became very hot indeed there was uniform disgust at Mr. Buck’s appalling loss of the toss. Young Mike Dodds (six fours) and Steve Dolben (seven) then proceeded to knock off a chanceless 102 stand in 21 overs. Medical student Ardley (nine fours and a six) was even more brutal but some tight bowling from Buck and Scibo restored the position somewhat and avoided a massacre. Mister Snelling’s radar was not quite working but he kept plugging away while The Gents had a better second half of the first innings in the field, debutant Paul Turpin impressing with some good running and throwing.

 

The reply began sensationally. Mr. Buck would later describe it as “the best 50 minutes’ Gents batting he had ever seen.” He had a point. Some of the bowlers were very young but they had all been properly coached and were well up for the game, clearly not wanting to lose to a bunch of flannelled fools approaching their twilight years. Norcott was easy on the eye and struck three fours. Gilkes, on fire from the off, left spectators (and there were about 30 of them) aghast. One shot, a rocket of a six over cover and into the road, was worth getting out of bed for on its own and could be set proudly alongside his nine fours. Wright and Patel (three threes, a four and a five!) continued the good work and The Gents were in with a chance until the last ten overs.

 

It would be wrong not to credit the Ruts’ varied attack, including two left-arm spinners, for forcing the win, rather than blaming it on Gent deficiencies, but the middle-order played some poor shots, Derriman in particular wafting over a straight ball from Start that did little. Buck, Denton and Lewis restored some pride but the final margin was comprehensive enough. It is a pleasure to report that Ruts’ amiable captain, Marc Jones, expressed an interest in renewing the fixture in 2005. Expect Master Gilkes to be the first to conform his availability for that game, probably within thirty seconds of the publication of the fixture list next winter.

Gents v. Enterprise

 

Victoria RG, Surbiton, Sunday, 20 June. Enterprise won toss. Showery, 16°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 138 runs

 

Justin comes of age

 

Inspired by an opening stand of 85, The Gents posted a two-hundred plus score for the first time in 2004 in damp conditions before bowling out Enterprise in under 25 overs. There was a four-wicket haul for Mark Sciberras, a brutal fifty from Ryon Derrriman (who more than trebled his season’s aggregate hitherto) and a maiden fifty for Justin Norcott, a tremendous achievement. Of greater importance than the personal milestones and the successful result, however, was the excellent spirit between the teams on a cool, showery day.

 

It is always good to welcome Enterprise to Surbiton, not least because the links between the club are so strong. It was they who introduced The Gents to Victoria RG in 1990 and who provided a string of players in the ensuing years, including the great Mike Hughes. Three of this year’s Enterprise players (Beaumont, Dimond Jr. and Heap) have been Gent members, a fourth, David Fitzgerald, played in the 2000 President’s Cup and a fifth, Andy Burman, has on occasion worn the XL Gent shirt. In the winter Scibo and Damian Evans play for Keith’s football team, Hersham Royals.

 

The pitch was cut at the edge of the square, close to the railway line, so the run rate was always likely to be high. A brisk shower delayed the start until 1.40pm, the openers played out a maiden and then the sparks began to fly. Richard Gilkes was first to go, for an exciting 43 (five fours) in the left-armer Richard Plimmer’s second over, the 14th. of the innings. Vikram played some pleasant shots but the canny Graham Heap bowled him before inducing a top-edge to the wicket-keeper next ball to see off Neepam Bhatt for a Golden Duck!

 

Justin ploughed on to his fifty (five fours) but Ryon Derriman got there first in a display of firework hitting that lasted only nine overs, with seven fours and two sixes. Justin’s moment of glory came in the 30th. over whereupon Sanjay retired them both. A Tony Buck Silver Duck (he would later have his revenge on Bill Dimond) and a blast from Bhavesh Vyas saw Gents to 220. Plimmer then raced away and took Enterprise to 19-0 off two overs, but Scibo took four good wickets to dash their hopes. All the bowlers, including Ryon’s stepfather-in-law Paul Morrison, were successful as Enterprise lost wickets regularly. But they never gave up and Sanjay refused to call the dogs off, which was correct. The conditions were pretty horrid when the game finished at 6.20pm, short extra-cover taking the hardest of the three chances offered in a ten-ball cameo by the Enterprise No. 10. It was an enjoyable day out then, despite the weather. It is always sweet to meet old friends.

Brondesbury Casuals v. Gents

 

Brondesbury CC, London NW2, Sunday, 27 June. Brondesbury Casuals won toss. Stormy, 24°

 

 

Match abandoned as a draw

 

Rain saves Casuals

 

A very relaxed day was ruined by the unforecast terrible weather, writes Bernie Spratt. Tom Levesley’s last game for the Casuals (knackered knees) ended in a damp draw as the Met. Office got it completely wrong again. ‘Bright all day in the London area’ turned into thunderstorms with torrential rain as The Gents hung on in the gloom before yet another downpour finished the game off.

 

The somewhat aged Casuals team (with Mr. Hilton returned from Florida and Messrs. Bailey and Stringer making a rare pilgrimage from the depths of South London) put in a reasonable effort with the bat built around the 119-run partnership between Luke and Stewie. The Gents’ opening attack of Snelling and skipper Patel was accurate and miserly, but runs flowed from the change bowlers. Excellent fielding contributed two spectacular direct hit run-outs from Sanjay and Mr. Derriman and 172-8 was about a par score on the Bron wicket.

 

Tea was an extended affair as the first of the rains came down. Despite this we decided to try to get the game completed under dark grey skies with rain coming and going in ever heavier bursts. Sam and Tony bowled seven tight overs before the first wicket fell and after that it was a procession with six wickets falling in the next seven overs before the weather became too intimidating (thunder, lightning and five bulbs on the Bron light meter). A discreet veil should be drawn over The Gents’ batting performance but in their defence the conditions were horrible and it was very dark. It was great catching up with the boys in the bar afterwards where we consumed multiple jugs of lager and a considerable portion of the tennis section BBQ. Tom had signed off with a great reaction catch at gully and one last in-swinging yorker to remove the off-stump. His career tally for the Casuals was 102 wickets over the last decade and he will be sadly missed by all the team. Hopefully his beloved W.B.A. will keep him happy in his retirement.

 

 

(Ed’s note – Brondesbury CC have recently signed a promising all-rounder. His name is Edward Fitch!)

London Rams v. Gents

 

Belair Park, London SE21, Saturday, 3 July. London Rams won toss. Sunny, 18°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 90 runs

 

Dulwich pandemonium

 

A sustained assault by middle-order batsmen Sanjay Patel, Wayne Thompson and Ryon Derriman, assisted by the short boundaries on three sides of this attractive ground, saw The Gents post a huge total. Rams battled hard after Murtland’s early dismissal, led by captain Mike Severn, but, though composed and correct, they lacked the power of shot to threaten victory. An excellent day out was done and dusted by 6.50pm, despite several lost balls into the ponds and streams. The seventh win of the season in ten games is one more than the 2003 total of six in 19, evidence of increased confidence within the team.

 

Only Mr. Gilkes of the top order gave notice of the later mayhem, striking three fours and a six. Indeed, Sack and Orchard soon had the visitors at 22-4 on a spongy, two-paced wicket. Justin, taking guard a yard outside his crease (as recently advised by Director of Cricket Ling) was stumped by a mile by the tidy Murtland. Snarler then top-edged to the ’keeper before Tony Buck copped the club’s first lbw of 2004. Sanjay (nine fours and two sixes) then produced an accomplished, delightful innings, but credit HP (three fours) for his watchfulness at the other end. They had both fallen by the end of the 24th. over, the score 121-6. Few would have predicted what happened next. Wayne Thompson and Ryon Derriman were perhaps not so much inspired by the prospect of doing well against their former club as able to capitalise on their deep knowledge of each of the bowlers. Hard, true hitting all over the ground despite a deep set field came off, although Wayne might have gone first ball off a top edge. Successive sixes into the trees from Ryon lit the fuse and from then on runs came in a torrent. Rams kept at it and fielded well but could ultimately do little about Wayne’s seven fours and four sixes and Ryon’s three fours and four sixes. Suffice it to say that there was little running between the wickets!

 

Derby are a good batting side, even without their overseas stars, but lost two of their major batsmen early, Murtland yorked leg-stump by sumptuous Snarler and Sack steering to second slip. Snarler’s spell was superb. Catches at mid-on and, again, second slip saw off Robson and Davies after Mr. Buck had gone for some tap, including the innings’ only six, an off-drive from Mr. Severn. Mike did bat well, but gradually ran out of partners. When he edged behind off the hostile, miserly Thompson it was all up for Rams, though the tail batted very well indeed. Gilkes had his first Gent bowl, while Burman’s analysis should have been a tidy 0-9 but for an oafish Buck misfield, for which the bowler rightly admonished him. One for the statisticians – with his wicket, Colin Naish’s career bowling average actually increased – to 2.33! A day of stratospheric batsmanship then but more importantly an enjoyable, friendly day out against a cracking bunch of lads.

West London 2004 fixtures

 

 

·          Gents home games start at 1pm

·          BAMC = Bob Ashton Memorial Cup (West XI holders)

·          PALs = PALs League three-team competition (12 Angry Men holders)

·          LNC = Lord Nelson Cup

 

The Gents’ record Played 10 Won 7 Drawn 1 Lost 2 Cancelled 2

 

Runs W Thompson 185, S Patel 177, R Gilkes 130, R Derriman 120, J Norcott 107

Wickets W Thompson 13, S Patel 12, R Derriman 10, M Sciberras 9, S Snelling 8

Catches S Patel 6, R Derriman 4, J Norcott 3, S Bignell, D Patel and J Wright 2

 

PALs League table

 

1 The Gents Played 2 Points 4

2 12 Angry Men Played 2 Points 2

3 New Barbarian Weasels Played 2 Points 0

What a mouldy chizz!

 

A recent Weasel talking point was a scathing editorial by controversial pundit Padraig Hurley, who took exception to the patronising tone adopted by a recent Pacific CC match report and smote them mightily in Kitbag. There are also those within our own camp who cannot read a match-report without getting hot under the collar. This certainly describes the reaction of a Gent player who had read Mr. Bignell’s analysis of the 30 May Gents/Beggars clash. “He’s a lying f***ing c***!” he squawked. “The next time I see him, I’m going to ram a stump up his a***” (this is a surprisingly common threat amongst cricketers). Good relations between the club are of prime importance to this writer, so it’s no names, no pack drill. However, it is worth pointing out that Mr. Buck’s 25 not out comprised authentic straight drives and pulls, with very little to cow corner.

 

Another example of negative reaction to Gent 92 came from japish Barrister J. Lewis, who had studiously checked the Stumps/Gents scorecard (doubtless during a long and boring piece of evidence in chief for the defence at the Old Bailey) and found a mistake. “You see, Andrew,” he said in that kindly way of his, “if you add up the batsmen’s runs and the extras for the Stumps innings you get 58 and their total was actually 55. Ditto our total was 56 but the individual components only add up to 55.”

 

Mr. Lewis is a wonderful man whose demeanour increasingly resembles that of Jennings, the timeless schoolboy creation of Anthony Buckeridge, who died peacefully in June aged 92. It takes no great leap of faith to imagine James exclaiming “Fossilised fish-hooks!” after some occurrence or other.

 

Buckeridge, who was awarded a belated OBE in 2002, won the hearts of children in post-war austerity Britain with his stories of Jennings and his not very bright friend Darbishire, pupils at Linbury Court preparatory school where the benevolent Mr. Carter and the borderline sociopath Mr. Wilkins (apt to burst into rage when confronted with their latest hare-brained scheme) taught them. Jen and Darbi were always getting into wizard scrapes involving tadpoles, tuck shops, water beetles, and all manner of other boarding school high jinks.

 

An article by David Ward in The Guardian of 29 June quoted David Rudd, an expert on children’s literature, who suggested that Buckeridge’s work should be reassessed. “I think he is extremely underrated,” said Mr Rudd, who lectures at Bolton Institute, Greater Manchester. “He is like a children’s Wodehouse. He created excellent characters, brilliant dialogue and inventive slang.” Buckeridge lived long enough to see the spectacular success of stories set in another private school. “I’ve read Harry Potter and he’s good,” he said in an interview two years ago. “He depends on magic, whereas Jennings depends on humour.”

 

Worryingly, Buckeridge wrote a few books, based around one Rex Milligan, set in a state school where no doubt the boys did not fear the wrath of the Archbeako, nor were interested in tadpole collecting in the accepted sense, but were out twocking cars, off their face on dope and alcopops, shouting “Who Let The Dogs Out?”

 

Beaumont cleans his tubes out

 

A surprising and delightful inclusion in the June Enterprise line-up was Chris Beaumont, who now makes his living in the adult film industry. The Gent yields to few in its broad-mindedness but the existence of a skin flick niche starring social cricketers is too awful to contemplate. Heaven help dear old Mark Ashton’s ticker if Chris were one day to appear on the German RTL channel that is beamed into Aycliffe Towers of an evening. Mind you, didn’t West XI’s Paul Christensen once pleasure two Russian fillies in one night and provide photographic evidence? More information is urgently required from The Keeper of the Beggar Archives on this sorry matter and from our Enterprise chums on the specific activities got up to by young Beaumont.

 

 

 

The 2004 averages

 

Surname	Matches	Innings	Not out	Runs	Caught	Average	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wickets	Average	Economy	Strike
D. Bender	1	1	0	0	-	0.00	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
N. Bhatt	1	1	0	0	-	0.00	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
S. Bignell	1	1	0	0	2	0.00	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
A. Buck	9	7	3	50	1	12.50	22	0	105	7	15.00	4.77	18.86
A. Burman	2	-	-	-	-	N/A	2	0	13	0	N/A	6.50	N/A
P. Denton	4	2	0	30	1	15.00	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
R. Derriman	10	9	2	120	4	17.14	40.4	2	180	10	18.00	4.43	24.40
R. Gilkes	8	6	0	130	-	21.67	1	0	8	0	N/A	8.00	N/A
P. Hill	1	1	0	11	-	11.00	8	2	14	1	14.00	1.75	48.00
N. Husain	3	2	0	30	-	15.00	16.1	3	57	2	28.50	3.53	48.50
J. Lewis	6	3	1	7	1	3.50	5	1	28	1	28.00	5.60	30.00
P. Morrison	1	-	-	-	-	N/A	3	0	17	1	17.00	5.67	18.00
C. Naish	1	-	-	-	-	N/A	0.2	0	4	1	4.00	12.00	2.00
V. Narasimha	2	2	0	15	1	7.50	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
J. Norcott	9	8	2	107	3	17.83	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
D. Patel	5	4	1	63	2	21.00	28	2	134	5	26.80	4.79	33.60
S. Patel	9	6	1	177	6	35.40	39.1	4	143	12	11.92	3.65	19.58
V. Sangaralingam	1	1	1	10	-	N/A	8	0	42	2	21.00	5.25	24.00
M. Sciberras	8	7	3	72	1	18.00	18.3	4	66	9	7.33	3.57	12.33
F. Sherwani	2	2	1	7	-	7.00	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
S. Snelling	5	3	0	6	1	2.00	34	9	85	8	10.63	2.50	25.50
W. Thompson	7	5	2	185	1	61.67	39.5	13	81	13	6.23	2.03	18.38
K. Toft	7	5	1	50	-	12.50	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
P. Turpin	1	-	-	-	-	N/A	-	-	-	-	N/A	N/A	N/A
B. Vyas	2	2	1	73	-	73.00	15	1	54	1	54.00	3.60	90.00
J. Wright	7	7	0	84	2	12.00	37	4	144	6	24.00	3.89	37.00