THE GENT

 

September 2004

No. 95

 

Tales from the corridor of uncertainty

 

Horace faces major operation

 

 

Good luck, mate

INSIDE…

 

Horace Hibbert news RIP Colin Thomas Beggar propaganda analysed Funny Saints match report Match reports London Owls (abandoned as a draw) Enville (won by 123 runs) Bedouins (won by 34 runs) London Saints (won by 6 wickets) St. Anne’s Allstars (won by 11 runs) Averages, etc.

 

Editor AJ Burman, andrewburman_840@hotmail.com

 

Horace Hibbert’s battle

 

You all know the great 12 Angry Men all-rounder and London bus driver Horace Hibbert and several of you remarked that he did not seem in good health at Chiswick in May. Indeed, he defied doctor’s orders to play. Those of you who know his medical history will perhaps understand our recent concerns about his health.

 

Horace is now in hospital at KCH and would love people to get in touch with him. We received an e-mail from Neil Hadfield which we share with you.

 

When I saw him he was in an extremely dazed and confused state, barely able to put a sentence together and obviously about to cry at any moment. However, when I persuaded him to stop watching England stuffing the Windies, he was his old self again, eager for you all to get in touch.

He can be contacted by phone at the ward on 0709 441841 or by e-mail at: hibrae@aol.com

 

We contacted Horace who confirmed he is back on the transplant list waiting for a new liver. He has asked us “not to worry too much, just keep all you can crossed and everything should be fine.” Get well soon, mate and we hope to see you back on a cricket field in 2005.

 

Let it Be

 

A classic episode of “Sykes” (68 x 30 minutes, colour, 1972-1979) sees Hattie Sykes (Hattie Jacques) try to better herself by enrolling for some evening classes, as she is not content sitting around 28 Sebastobol Terrace talking to Peter the cuckoo clock and cooking her brother Eric’s meals. She needs her life to be more fulfilled. Eric’s friend PC Wilfred ‘Corky’ Turnbull (Deryck Guyler) advises him that women should know their place and that this will not do at all, so the two of them hatch a plot to make Hattie think she has gone bonkers, naturally involving such sitcom artifices as moving the furniture about. Sure enough, Hattie thinks she has flipped, realises the error of her ways and does not pursue the evening classes. Job done.

 

Little did Eric know that many years later the Editor of The Gent would suffer from similar mental overload. His stress levels peaked on the morning of Sunday 15 August while on tour, when dear Ryon Derriman asked for the postcode of the Bedouins ground, so he could key it into the direction finder in his car – the same piece of hardware, presumably designed by Mark Thatcher of blessed memory (and recent news bulletins), that had sent him and Waynie 45 miles the wrong way down the M5 24 hours before.

 

Perhaps the Editor was taking too much on. He confided as much to Kevin Allerton of West XI a few days after The Gents’ boys’ night out to Lord’s for the Twenty20, when, although he could not attend himself as he was having a meeting with Mr. Iqbal of a Manchester rag-trade emporium, he nevertheless had to shepherd several attendees to the ground via mobile phone. Allie was sympathetic but added: “You’re beginning to let go, mate. Ten years ago, you’d have cut them all sandwiches, made up their lunch boxes and given them all name tags in case they got lost.”

 

So, 2004 is proving an administrative challenge. Yet it has been in many ways an extraordinarily rewarding season. We have fielded full sides every week, enjoyed a great tour, Sanjay Patel has involved everyone and the win/loss ratio is the best for many years.

 

At the time of writing, however, 2005 looks as though it may be a different gravy. Players always come and go and it remains to be seen how, if at all, wide of the mark was the wit who christened The Gents’ 2004 Midlands sojourn the Let It Be Tour, after the LP during which the by-then bleared and drugged Moptops broke up amid large kerfuffle.

 

Ryon Derriman has opted, Ian Dallas-style, for the golf course and may play only few games next year, Stuart Snelling is moving on secondment with his family to Brazil for a year and Jim Wright has newly become a father (congratulations to him and Victoria and welcome to Alexandra Hetty). This will be counterbalanced by the increased availability of several other players, details of which are too sensitive to reveal at this stage.

 

Though it is a pity that a squad that looked as if it was built to last will suffer significant rupture, let us applaud those who have been there in 2004. Remember you contribute just by playing – full elevens were a luxury denied us in the Blunder Years. Several players have also produced some delightful acts of personal distinction. To take just a few random examples, look at some of the innings played this year by Moon Cat and Justin Norcott (No.s 10 and 11 in the first West XI game, No.s 1 and 2 in the second) and the bowling of Buck and Scibo. And Burman tops the batting strike rate list with 1.00 – a two and a bowled by a kid off his only two balls faced. It has been a very good season.

 

What the papers say (1)

Stumped tenants are running out of patience

 

Impromptu cricket matches in a West Ealing car park have been causing sleepless nights for residents of the Green Man Estate. The matches, taking place three or four times a week in the Singapore Road car park, often continue until 1am. The resulting noise is making life miserable according to one resident who contacted the Gazette. The father-of-two, who did not wish to be named, said: “They make a tremendous noise. It would be OK if they stopped at 11pm but they go on until late.” Ealing Council confirmed it has received complaints and is aware of the situation. Officials from its parking services department meet police regularly and will be discussing the problem. Since the council received complaints the noise appears to have lessened although the mystery cricketers returned on Sunday. (Ealing Gazette, 20 August)

Beggar my neighbour

A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace

 

Interclub banter is one of the joys of the game. It would be a dull world in which we never disagreed and the purpose of playing sport, apart from keeping fit and having fun, is to beat the opposition. Such has been the tide of anti-Gent propaganda released by West XI in recent weeks, however, that the distinct strands emerging are worthy of analysis. Such propaganda can be construed as a mark of respect but also as an attempt to destabilise The Gents by spreading alarm and despondency, which is interesting as West XI have beaten The Gents twice this season so have nothing to prove about their playing ability. In chronological order, the three main Beggar themes we have detected this season have been The Gents’ supposed over-reliance on Commonwealth imports, the weakness of their opposition and, most recently, personal invective and insult.

 

The signing of Ryon Derriman and Wayne Thompson provided much early-season ammo, until West XI did a head count and worked out that Neep, Bhav, Uncle Sanjay (a possible 2005 recruit), Ling and their Aussies actually outnumbered Gent imports. They have therefore recently become silent on this topic.

 

Moving onto the standard of the teams on The Gents’ card, they may have a point. Any side conceding 394-6 (not a misprint) and being bowled out for 29 in successive games, as 12AM did, is not perhaps the force it once was. In contrast to Jez Owen’s gracious tribute in a recent Kitbag, they damned the PALs League success with the faintest imaginable praise, which they did not have the right to do, as this was the very League from which they withdrew for obscure reasons after just one season.

 

After the tour, someone calling himself Mr. Controversial then performed some fascinating experiments on the written word with a posting on the Beggar message board, in response to a remark about the vets/colts configuration of the Enville team. In the manner of Jeffrey Fairbrother in “He-De-Hi!” reading out one of Joe Maplin’s pep bollockings, his words are unchanged:

 

 

Riches untold! “An arduous tours” and the shouty double question mark are brilliant. Whence did Mr. C get his disinformation? The Saturday saw a fun game against a mixture of three adults and eight colts and Sunday a tough game against an accomplished side encompassing all age ranges, including two of the best batsmen seen all season in Nock and Thomas. Most of you were there, make your own minds up whether it not the tour was a worthwhile exercise. Memo to West XI: Bedouins and St. Anne’s only had 10, get weaving, boys.

 

The third wave has been personal abuse, a West XI player describing The Gents’ eminence grise AJ Burman in a tirade of unparliamentary language as “a pervert,” “a f***er” and “an a***hole.” Burman took legal advice, to no avail, as his brief Mr. Lewis confirmed that the law of libel permits plain insults, or “low abuse.”

 

Furthermore, Gent team psychologist Dr. David “RD” Laing, of Twickenham commented: “Burman is very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies, so the pervert allegation would in a court of law probably, as it were, stick. By using such terms of abuse, his cyberspace assailant is attempting to confront and overcome embarrassing and very personal demons, such as problems in the trouser department. There are many useful adverts in the Sunday tabloids that can help him. Alternatively, he could contact a lady known as The Convert on web-site www.twelfthman.com, who keeps her diary on the site. This lady, also known as the purple-haired blowtorch, takes a very healthy interest in cricketers, especially those who play for St. Anne’s Allstars and New Barbarian Weasels cricket clubs. She even straightened out one interesting bowling action, I can tell you.”

 

Match reporter to buck up ideas

 

A senior player has complained that the report of the July NBW game (“Storm clouds lift” – Gent 94) made insufficient reference to his career-best bowling. There is no excuse for this and we unreservedly apologise and wish to right the matter. His impressive analysis of 5-0-9-4 did scant justice to a veritable symphony of flight and guile, which utterly bamboozled the late order. We salute him, though he let himself down on tour, failing to fall down outside the Indian restaurant while singing songs from the shows, as he did in 2002.

Gents v. London Owls

 

Victoria RG, Surbiton, Sunday, 8 August. Gents won toss. Sunny, 31°

 

 

Match abandoned as a draw

 

Blood on the tracks

 

After The Gents had progressed breezily to 133-6 with a bombardment of boundaries (22 in all) interspersed with a flurry of wickets, the game was abandoned in horrific circumstances when Owls skipper Ian Colley was struck in the face while fielding at cover. An ambulance was called and the game immediately abandoned by Sanjay Patel, who took one look at the carnage and pulled the stumps out of the ground. Thus ended what could have been a good fixture, though it would have been a very long one, the Owls having taken two hours to bowl fewer than 20 overs, not helped by the humidity, frequent ball searches and tumble of wickets.

 

Owls had some problems raising a side but were augmented by Nabil Husain and, making a welcome reappearance, 14-year old Fahd Khan. The prepared wicket was only 40 yards from the railway boundary, so Sanjay stumped up on a used wicket that provided great assistance to Nabby and co-opener Levine. There were boundaries for each of the top four but Nabby undid Snarler with a pearler of an inswinger before yorking Jim Wright. Levine induced a brace of catches to wide slip before Paul Turpin became not the first, nor one suspects the last Gent to score a duck on début.

 

Sanjay was dropped early in his innings but unleashed some powerful drives, while NZ Waynie was on top form from the word go, his on-drives particularly impressive. It was a surprise when Sanjay fell the ball before 15-over drinks, playing no shot to a Goodfellow off-break, 103-6. Thirty runs came in the four overs after the resumption, Waynie in complete control and Faraz finding the ropes four times. The Owls had fielded well in trying conditions and so it was that Ian Colley positioned himself at short-cover as Brassington began his fourth over of loopers. Waynie fair belted it into the ground, whereupon the ball kicked on the next wicket (the one that should have been used) and smashed into Ian’s face just below his right eye.

 

The ambulance took an hour to arrive (thankfully with no Claims Direct lawyer chasing it) but Patsy provided immediate assistance to poor Ian. The Owls went off to Kingston hospital with their skipper, game abandoned due to injury not, historians note, for the first time in a Gents’ game. At Twickenham in 1989, Bob Ashton scored a brilliant 54 not out off only 27 balls in an exciting run chase against a snarling bunch of prima donnas called East Harrow Cheetahs but the pitch was so bad that he and John Townley were felled by rising deliveries. The game was called off, the first time the Gents had avoided defeat, in their eighth match.

 

One heard with great relief later in the evening that Ian had not suffered any broken bones and had been discharged from hospital. Good man. He has promised to come along to say hello before season’s end and he will be most welcome.

Enville v. Gents

 

Edgecliffe School, Kinver, Saturday, 14 August. Toss agreed. Sunny, 23°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 123 runs

 

When you’re young

 

Eight of the tourists remembered the shenanigans of 2002, when demands by the Enville first XI had such a knock-on effect during the holiday season that the thirds could not raise a team to face The Gents. Something similar happened again, but instead of phoning up Victor at 10.45pm on the Friday night with the bad news, their organiser moved heaven and earth to honour the fixture and thanks are due to him. The resultant XI comprised three veterans and eight youngsters (mostly 11-13) and my how well they bowled, reducing Gents to 71-7 and eventually bowling them out for 163, though they were always going to struggle with the bat against, to them, giant bowlers, slow motion Joel Garners, perhaps, though in two cases a little tubbier.

 

All the hosts bowled well and Captain Victor ensured that involvement was optimised. The Gents were on a team yellow for bad language in front of minors, so it was with amusement that we heard a 12-year old call one of his team “a prick” for a slight misfield. No matter, Enville, senior and junior alike, bowled and caught well and it was with some consternation that Gent supporters noted the score of 71-7 in the 21st. over, the run rate not helped by the long, damp outfield certainly, but nevertheless composed against the youngest attack they had ever faced. Norcott and Wright then turned the innings round with 85 runs in exactly 11 overs.

 

Enville’s innings presented Sanjay with a conundrum. There was little point in bowling Snelling and Thompson but he needed to get Dhruv, who has suffered from a lack of confidence this season, into form for the Sunday. In the event the ankle-biters and vets popped up 9 catches, all of which were taken, though the kids managed a few fours second time around. This ‘ginger beer’ match was subject to debate as to whether it should be included in the averages, so rapacious are several Gents, but no accurate record was kept, so sadly it cannot be.

 

Statisticians feasted heartily. The Norcott/Wright stand was the highest for the eighth wicket in a Gents’ game, beating the 62-run Cotton/Swiderski project for London Saints in 1999 and the 59 by Burville and Ashton in the ten-wicket loss to London Owls in 1993. No Gents’ team has equalled the number of catches taken (previous best 8 v. Urban in 1993). Wright scored his 15th. score of fifty plus, Dhruv achieved another monster analysis in this fixture and Burman’s wickets were his first since 2000, though he has hardly bowled since then.

 

Enville were generous hosts and Michelle Lockley provided the tea of the year, though it was equalled 26 and a half hours later after the Bedouins game. A worthwhile day out, then, for young, old and middling.

Bedouins v. Gents

 

Earl of Rutland’s Ground, Enville, Sunday, 15 August. Gents won toss. Bright, 21°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 34 runs

 

Cake-fuelled Gents in maiden win

 

What a splendid win! After a steady batting performance all the way down had enabled The Gents to post a par score, Bedouins were well placed to chase down the total and remain unbeaten in this series of fixtures. But they lost a wicket in each of the second to sixth overs after the 20-over drinks break and ended short. This was an attritional affair in which The Gents’ batting depth was decisive. Of help too was the recent trip to Gunnersbury Park, also played on a central strip, which gave Sanjay valuable insight into field placings on large grounds and inculcated into the batsmen the fact that not every well-struck shot was going to go for four.

 

The Gents won the toss and after Norcott’s early dismissal set about their task with composure. The run rate slowly climbed as Wright and Thompson dug in, though they were never fluent on a seaming, turning wicket that had seen a lot of rain in the days prior. Wright was pinned lbw in the 15th. over but Dhruv Patel was in tip-top form, hooking powerfully for two fours. Thompson looked set for a fifty but holed out off slow left-armer Thomas in the 24th. over, immediately likening the wicket, in a very loud voice, to an intimate part of the female anatomy. After Dhruv fell, to be followed three balls later by Buck, the skipper opted to play the support role as the fireworks came from the other end. Seldom can Sanjay have batted over 17 overs for just 30 runs, and not hit a boundary. Indeed, there were only nine in the innings, surprisingly none from Derriman, whose booming drives just brought him a succession of twos. There were further cameos from Sciberras (two fours) and Snelling (one) as 59 runs came in the final ten overs. One man short, Bedouins had bowled and fielded well but over a cup of tea and slice of cake (four for Buck), The Gents were content.

 

Snelling bowled Branch in the fifth over before young Nock, badly missed early by Dhruv Patel, and Gent nemesis Rhys Thomas embarked on an ominous stand (16 overs, though it seemed more). At half-time drinks Bedouins were 72-1, only just shy of the visitors’ equivalent score of 76-2. Dhruv then bowled Nock before came the pivotal run out of Thomas, sent back trying to sprint a bye and beaten by an excellent low throw to the bowler from fine-leg Derriman. The Patels, bowling rarely in tandem as Wright performed ’keeping duties (one of three in the innings) then put the game beyond Bedouins, helped by a stunning one-handed catch from mid-on Derriman. Wiseman, Susman and Brearley added attractive late runs but it was The Gents’ day. Fine weather and the sterling efforts of Enville’s organiser meant that for the first time The Gents had completed two tour games. Friendships were cemented post-match and club captain Brian Susman (no mean cricketer still at 66 years young) invited The Gents back in 2006 to meet his beloved side, which was of course accepted. Players and fans then tucked into a bumper spread, the highlight being piles of world-class home-made sausage rolls.

Gents v. London Saints

 

Victoria RG, Surbiton, Sunday, 22 August. London Saints won toss. Sunny, 23°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 3 wickets

 

King Husain of Surbiton

 

Striking nine fours and a six to all points of the compass, Nabil Husain, well supported by Justin Norcott, led The Gents to their twelfth win of 2004. Earlier, London Saints had posted a score of 125, which was recognised by both captains after the match as being about 25 runs light. So it proved, and although The Gents stuttered with the finishing tape in sight, there were still five overs in hand when, at a quarter to six, Sanjay Patel straight-drove the winning boundary to the pavilion. This was a meritorious victory, for although Saints were lacking stars De Ruyter, the ancestor of the famous 17^th Century Dutch admiral, Mauger and Nanton, The Gents were bereft of Messrs. Derriman, Gilkes, Patel (D), Thompson and Wright, on another day a presentable top five. A winning season was confirmed on the tour weekend and there is now a possibility that a new record number of wins in a season (15 in 2000) could be set, though the remaining fixtures are tough.

 

The Gents have rarely had first dibs at home this season and so it proved once again, Saints making steady progress after the early departure of the dangerous Trevor Mayhew, bowled by Husain’s slowie. Most of the batsmen got set but nobody went on to play a major innings, despite the railway boundary being tantalisingly short. Cronin crossed it with the only sixer of the innings, off Sanjay, but Saints lost wickets regularly. Snelling and Husain bowled tightly, but the star of the show was Mark Sciberras who, in front of his new girlfriend Catherine, bowled Jones, had Cronin smartly stumped and superbly caught and bowled Swiderski. The returning Husain, bowling very fast, had the veteran Sri Lankan Yogeswaran caught close in by the skipper, atoning for an earlier boundary drop, while Buck took two good wickets, another Denton stumping and a catch at mid-off.

 

After a scrumptious tea, Mr. Denton soon departed but Toft kept Husain company as the runs started to flow. The young Pakistani is unorthodox, and more resembles a batter on strike on the baseball diamond than a cultured cricketer but he has all the shots and strikes the ball fearfully hard. After Swiderski, bowling off-spin on a responsive pitch, had seen off Toft and Sherwani, The Gents’ score after 19 overs was identical to the visitors’ – 61-3. With time on their side though and wickets in hand, Husain and Norcott then put bat to ball with increasing conviction, Nabby finding the railway line with a brutal pull off Swiderski. Just as it looked as if The Gents were going to canter home, Husain fell, brilliantly caught on the railway boundary. Young Fahd Khan came and went, Sciberras fell in an identical manner to Husain and Mr. Lewis’s responsible innings lasted one ball and caused hilarity to everyone but the scorer, who was finding it difficult enough anyway to keep up with events and record them for posterity without having to join in the gay banter. But Norcott and his skipper were in no mood to give this one up and they patiently saw The Gents home to set up a sociable evening.

Saints’ match report

Berkeley banks champagne moments

 

With the ball not coming onto the bat and a lush outfield, this was always going to be a relatively low-scoring affair. Gents are having an excellent season, and any side with Snarler and Sanjay is always going to be difficult to beat, but the absence of their South African stars meant that a close match was expected. This is exactly how it developed, though overall Gents deserved their victory.

 

We batted first, and with Kumar running late Trevor opened the batting with Andy Jones. In the knowledge that Snarler was opening the bowling, it would be fair to say that Kumar was not the most popular person in the Mayhew household. He became even less popular when Snarler’s opening partner came charging in from the boundaries edge with a Waqar Younis type run-up and action. As it happened, he was not as fast as his run-up and action would have suggested, though this was highlighted in the extreme when he bowled Trevor hook, line, and sinker with a well-disguised slow ball in the sixth over.

 

Gary never looked in best nick, and was stumped after a couple of lusty blows. Chris’s poor season with the bat continued. Having nearly been bowled for a duck, he was caught and bowled for 6. Andy Jones was still in at this stage, looking in good form, as he was belatedly joined by Kumar. From nowhere Jonesy was cleaned bowled by a gentle medium pacer – his later explanation was that his bat got stuck behind his pad. Kumar and Pete then consolidated from a position where there was danger that we may not use the full 35 overs. Kumar was next out for 24, though his knock deserved a lot more. The strip was far from the centre of the pitch, resulting a one very long boundary (that we failed to cross in the whole innings) and one very short boundary. Kumar caught hold of four or five very good shots, that would normally have easily gone for four, but he always hit the longest boundary and the very slow outfield kept the scoring down to two each time.

 

Once Kumar departed Pete opened up with a few lusty blows, but was next out for 25. Pete’s score was rapidly texted to Rob Mauger, as it guaranteed Pete would finish above Rob in the batting averages for the season, and as a result Rob needs to be as generous as the Crystal Palace goalkeeper.

 

Many of you will be asking – why have we not heard Andy’s Mayhew’s name yet? Very contentiously, Andy was yet again dropped down the order due to his previous low scoring rate. Andy and Speedtwin saw the lads home, with Andy being able to make his point to the skipper by smashing the bowling all over the park in the final few overs. His strike rate of 75% (3 runs from 4 balls) was probably the highest for the team during the innings.

 

A score of 125 was reasonable given the pitch and outfield, would always be competitive, but was probably 20 short of a good score. This was mainly caused by the need to consolidate in the middle of the innings. A look at their bowling figures tells the full story – Snarler bowled 7 overs for 11 runs without a wicket, which is fine; but their second change bowler (name unreadable in the scorebook, so he will be referred to as Bowler 4) had figures for 3-16 from 7 overs. Bowler 4 is a perfectly good bowler, bowling fairly accurate medium pacers, but he should not have been allowed to bowl 7 overs for 16 runs – especially as his first ball went for four.

 

We kept it very tight at the start, Pete starting with three consecutive maidens. After five overs they had scored only two runs, and had already lost their more expansive opener, bowled by Thomas. Within these five overs there was also an lbw appeal that will be described in more detail in ‘Pete’s Match.’ With only four regular bowlers available, Andy Jones was asked to be the fifth, and though his figures of 3.5-0-33-0 do not reflect this, Andy did a good job. Unfortunately, the game started to run away from us when consecutive overs from Jonesy and Chris went for nearly 30 runs between them.

 

The main thorn in our side was Husain, Gents’ No.3 and Waqar Younis-style bowler, who scored a very good and quick 71. He may have scored a few less, had not been for the fact that Gary Cronin was asked to field in a part of the ground that was adversely affected by an unusually high level of gravity. Husain hit Chris straight to Gary at deep mid-on, but instead of just catching the ball slightly above his head; Gary’s attempted ‘jump’ barely got his heels an inch off the ground, and left his knees buckled – as a result, Gary merely got fingertips to the ball, and it carried on its merry journey to the boundary.

 

It was my first sighting of Chris the spin bowler, and overall I was quite impressed. He does spin the ball (I presume he does anyhow, by the number of times it bounced over the stumps but past Speedtwin for byes) and his height gives him difficult bounce. As a bowler of spin for many years, my only advice to Chris is to learn a bit of patience, and not to get so annoyed when you are hit for a four. As a fast bowler it can be therapeutic to pitch the ball halfway down the wicket after being hit for a boundary, as a spin bowler it tends to result in the ball following its predecessor to the boundary. I hope Chris will listen to this constructive advice from a man who knows all there is to know about bowling after being hit for four.

 

At three wickets down Gents looked to be coasting, but they then lost four wickets in quick succession to Pete – these will be described in more detail in ‘Pete’s Match.’ We needed three wickets, and Gents needed 13 runs – normally a very balanced match, but as their existing batsman, who normally opens for them, was joined by Sanjay batting at No. 9 (for those who have not played against Sanjay, he is certainly one of the best two or three batsmen we play against all season), the odds were still stacked with The Gents – but one quick wicket may have changed all that. In the end, that wicket did not arrive, and Sanjay led The Gents to victory. Overall a reasonable performance, but it was not enough.

 

Pete’s match

 

• Pete came in at No.6 and consolidated a precarious situation with Kumar, top-scoring with 25. As a result he won his bet with Rob, who now owes him £20.
  
  
• Pete opens the bowling with three maidens, but also the most ludicrous appeal for lbw I had ever seen at that time. Their opening batsman hit the ball at 45 degrees behind square on the leg side and was contemplating a single. Admittedly the ball was not perfectly off the middle of the bat, but it was pretty near, so everyone was surprised when Pete bellowed out a very loud lbw appeal. The umpire was even more surprised when Pete glared at him for not giving it out.
  
  
• During Pete’s next over the batsman was hit halfway up the pads in front of middle. The umpire’s finger was half up, but he put it back again because on this occasion Pete did not appeal. At this point, Dave Thomas wisely decided to give Pete a rest.
  
  
• On Pete’s return he quickly snapped up four wickets with the biggest load of dross he has probably bowled for five years – yes, it was that bad. Chris took two outstanding catches on the very edge of the boundary as batsmen holed out from very juicy leg side full-tosses, another batsman was stumped from a wide, and he bowled a kid.
  
  
• If it were not bad enough for the kid that Pete bowled him for a duck, he had the shame of Pete bowling the first ball to him slower – after he middled it, and nearly got off the mark, Pete returned to full pace. How embarrassing for the kid that Pete thought he had to bowl any slower than his normal delivery – my daughter is 2½ and as long as she was wearing pads, I would expect Pete to bowl to her at full pace.
  
  
• That is not the end of an already action packed day for Pete, as during his wicket-taking spell he managed to out-do his previous ridiculous appeal. This time the batsman got a very thick edge to take the ball to gully, but yet again the fact the ball clearly struck the bat and made no contact with the pad did not deter Pete from a full-throated lbw appeal.
  
  

Man of the Match: Pete – top scorer, best bowling figures and superb entertainment. The only thing to mar Pete’s performance was the joy and speed with which he texted Rob Mauger with his bowling figures immediately after the game – such joy was surprising considering it is a team game and we had lost.

 

Champagne Moment: Any normal week Chris would have won it with either of his excellent boundary catches, but this week it has to be Pete and his lbw appealing, or lack of it on one occasion.

 

(What a terrific report. For information though, Ryon and Waynie are Kiwis, although the former was brought up in South Africa, in Constantia. Ed.)

St. Anne’s Allstars v. Gents

 

Victoria RG, Surbiton, Sunday, 29 August. Gents won toss. Showery, 21°

 

 

Gentlemen of West London won by 11 runs

 

St. Anne’s run out of road

 

The most exciting game of the season by a distance saw The Gents’ disciplined attack atone for a woeful batting performance to sneak a narrow win. St. Anne’s were clearly disappointed, for they outscored The Gents with runs off the bat, and struck more boundaries, but after the spectacular dismissal of Tristan Haddow-Allen they became bogged down as Bill Flack, on début, and Stuart Snelling produced spectacular bowling returns, as did the St. Anne’s spinner Andrew Crawford (the third-best ever return against The Gents).

 

St. Anne’s were much changed from the April fixture, only the Haddow-Allens and Nicol remaining compared to seven Gents. In their place were several Rain Men, while for the hosts Dhruv brokered the inclusion of his Aussie boss Caroline’s boyfriend Stuart Jordan and his Springbok pal Keith Mitchell. Dhruv must love his new job – Caroline turned up to watch and displayed great interest and knowledge, being heard to observe that the pitch was responsive to spin. What a lady – all females attendant on great sporting events could learn from this!

 

Bill Flack had not played for five years but looked to the manner born before he was bowled. Justin and Snarler then posted what would be the highest stand of the day before the big man holed out to mid-off. Mitchell was castled, Justin caught at forward short-leg and when Nabby followed in identical fashion for a shock Golden Duck it was all going pear-shaped. Jordan hung around as Sanjay launched three successive fours to the pavilion off Crawford. Jordan’s demise, followed by Mr. Lewis (chipping a full-toss to mid-on) and Mr. Buck, the latter marching off to a remark by the Gent sub fielder of “Dead Vice-Captain walking.” Oh the joys. High Street Ken batted 31 balls for his 6, a vital contribution in the circumstances as Sanjay played very well, but the skipper was bowled and 38 balls remained unbowled when Denton edged to slip.

 

Tristan and, briefly, Chicken (three fours off Flack) then played The Gents on their own. Snarler’s first five overs, during which he bowled Morris, were maidens, though The Undertaker gave away a few runs (he usually only comes in the death, but was No.2 bowler here as both pacemen wanted the Long Ditton end). Wickets fell regularly as the run-rate hovered at two an over but while Tristan was still at the crease, St. Anne’s had a chance. He fell to a breathtaking catch, pulling viciously to deep mid-wicket Justin, who dived to his right to pluck the ball out of the gloaming sky and, even more impressively, clung on when, according to the principles of Newtonian physics, he fell to earth. It was a true Scibo Berkhamsted 02 moment for the home supporters, the catch of the season so far. Sanjay’s spell was also excellent as he built on the hard work done earlier in the innings, and by himself in the first. The Undertaker then finished things off with four balls remaining.

Readers’ letters

 

 

I would just like to say how enjoyable the tour was both from the cricketing and social points of view. Many thanks to the organizers and to everyone else who contributed by driving or simply being there.

 

 

Thanks for a great weekend away, great hotel and cricket! It was really good to be out of London for the weekend and the weather was good to us too. I have decided to retire from playing cricket for the rest of the games this season to allow my damaged finger time to heal and next year I would like to remain as a part-time member and play just the more local games such as Edmonton and Dulwich. I had planned to play more golf this year which never seemed to happen, so next year I am going to give this more of a shot and actually join a golf club. It’s been great fun so far this year and I look forward to playing a few games with you next year. Good luck for the rest of the games.

 

 

Ryon, being purely selfish, who is going to match your spectacular catching off my crap bowling? I am going to call you a one-arm BANDIT! Bandits rob people and you robbed the batsman of a certain four runs this weekend and got him out. See you around.

 

Ironically, I remember thinking when one of Wayne’s fours crashed into the fence on the opposite side of the road at the opposite end to the pavilion, what a mess that would have made of the side of the Range Rover which pulled up two seconds later. Little did I realise that one of his next shots would make a mess of me (although it’s not the first bruise I’ve received from him or his brother).

 

I don’t recollect saying I stopped the four (I think that quote came from one of the team). But you can quote me that “The optician had said I needed a new pair of glasses a couple of weeks ago,” or that when the X-ray came up on the screen at Kingston Hospital, there was a remarkable resemblance to Pierluigi Collina, or “It’s a good job I got my SWFC membership card mug shot last week!” The other funny was at the local hospital on Monday morning, when a toddler pointed at me and said something to his father. The dad’s reply was, “That’s what happens when you swing on the arm of the sofa”!

 

Please convey my appreciation to the members of your team and especially to Patsy, for your care and concern after the unfortunate incident. I have already spoken to Wayne, and told him not to worry about it. Cricket is a game in which anyone has to take knocks along with the enjoyment.

 

I still have severe bruising and have to reduce the swelling by holding a pack of frozen veg to my face every now and again, and I’m still finding reading for any length of time difficult. But, I think I’ve been lucky to get away without serious damage. It could have been a lot worse. As I also explained to Wayne, I’ll come over to one of your remaining games this season, and have a beer with you all. It was a disappointing way for what was an interesting game to end.

 

The baby has arrived! At 5.42am, 31 August, we welcomed our first daughter, Alexandra Hetty, into the world. Mother and daughter are doing well, recovering in hospital, dad larging it up at home!

 

Despite weighing in at a good solid 8lb 5oz she appears the most fragile little thing we have ever seen and we are, without doubt, chuffed to bits she has finally made it.

 

She was worth the wait.

Vicky, James and Alexandra

West London 2004 fixtures

 

 

The Gents’ 2004 playing record

 

Played 19 Won 14 Lost 3 Abandoned 2 Cancelled 2

Runs S Patel 306, W Thompson 290, J Norcott 220, J Wright 183, R Gilkes 161, N Husain 160

Wickets A Buck and S Patel 19, W Thompson 15, M Sciberras and S Snelling 14, D Patel 13, R Derriman 11

Catches S Patel 9, R Derriman, J Norcott and M Sciberras 7, S Snelling 6

 

Interesting to note that at the time of writing only Sanjay has got 300 runs but West XI already have Bhav Vyas with 533 runs (20 innings, on top of his 113 for The Gents), Chris Wright 474 (16), Chris Dane 336 (14) and Neepam Bhatt 330 (17, on top of his zero runs for The Gents!) past that milestone. Vyas and Wright both hit recent centuries, their first for the club. Well done to them. Their wickets totals are similar to ours, with Dane 20, Taylor 18, Hill 18, Bhatt 17, Wright 16 and Vyas 15. West XI are having an exceptional season in the outfield – they have taken 75 catches in their 22 games. That might not be many at First Class level – England recently caught all ten West Indians in an innings and this happens in a good few county games– but it is good going a few notches down.

 

PALs League table

 

 

The 2004 averages

 

 

Also played (1 game): D Bender 1/1/0/0, N Bhatt 1/1/0/0, S Bignell 1/1/0/0 (1 ct.), W Flack 1/1/0/3, 7-2-25-4, P Hill 1/1/0/11, 8-2-14-1, S Jordan 1/1//0/0/, F Khan 1/1/0/0, K Mitchell 1/1/0/6 (1 ct.), P Morrison 1/-/-/-, 3-0-17-1, C Naish 1/-/-/-, 0.2-0-4-1, I Richmond 1/-/-/-, V Sangaralingam 1/1/1/10, 8-0-42-2

 

What the papers say (2)

Just not cricket!

 

An over-zealous club cricketer has been banned for the rest of the season – for encouraging his team-mates to “kill” an opponent. New Zealander Glen Dawson, 27, stuck a picture of Carl Brisset on the changing room wall at Dorset Premier League side Welmouth and scrawled “kill the c**t” across it. But West Indian Brisset – who plays for local rivals Colehill – spotted it and Sawson was banned by his club. He said yesterday: “I was just trying to get the team fired up. Brisset is Colehill’s best player.” (The Sun, 20 August)